Yaaaaaasss! We’re back. My desensitized brain, having atrophied from slow burning storylines these past few months is now electrified with activity! I actually looked forward to Monday’s episode. Imagine that.
Alright. Let’s get right to it. Mal and Sally (#Mally?) decide to start the week off with a baby daddy shocker. Kevin and Billy both receive courier delivered handwritten letters from Chloe. Kevin is at the station when his arrives while Billy is at Phyllis’ place.
“Congratulations!” they both read, “You may have won the grand prize of a daughter you never knew you had. Please keep a copy of this letter and take it with you to the Maury Show to find out if you’ve won. Best of luck!”
My favorite part of Chloe’s letter to Billy was where it oh so casually reads:
“Remember how after Delia died I tried to seduce you so I could get pregnant again? After you turned me down I stole a sample of yours from the hospital.”
Bwahahaha. Priceless. Phyllis, who is well versed in the art of sperm theft and paternity switcheroos is acting like she can’t believe Chloe would stoop to such depraved depths. As if! The real travesty in all of this is that God Have Mercy Hospital confirmed to the goat, over the phone no less, that they they do indeed have a batch of missing sperm from his bank. Oh, really?! Thanks for the notification letter that was never sent, assholes!
The goat is shocked and rightly so, he tells Phyllis he has to find out the truth before he can think about the future. Well, that sounds ominous. Before Phyllis can ask what the hell he means by that he quickly walks out leaving her mouth agape like an Edvard Munch expressionist painting.
Over at the Newman Ranch, Nick walks in bellowing Nikki’s name. Tessa the goth girl stomps out of the library holding a stack of envelopes, which I suspect she grabbed to look like she was doing something legit instead of casing the joint while Nikki was out of the house. You don’t fool me, Tessa! Tessa tells Nick that his mom is at a breakfast meeting with a potential contributor for her benefit. And why is Nick there? He has babysitting issues, and because he’s the Slum Horse Millionaire he won’t spend another farthing hiring back up childcare for last minute emergencies.
Lucky for Nick Tessa is a destitute street urchin eager to make some “extra cash” so she offers her babysitting services. Of course she does. This will be Tessa’s third job working for a Newman. Hhmm, could she be Jamaican?
After confirming that Bonnie the housekeeper is home Nick hands his drooling baby over to the same woman he questioned Nikki about knowing well enough to employ as her assistant. Then the frugal hypocrite runs off to handle some important business with Paul down at the GCPD.
This important business actually turns out to be Nick playing junior detective again. Sigh.
Nick gives detective Clueless the dart gun and wrench that Chloe allegedly used to subdue Adam and blow him to kingdom come. Not wanting to taint possible evidence Clueless examines the weapon closely while wearing gloves. I want to tell him not to bother because Nick wasn’t exactly careful about slapping his grubby paws all over it, but I don’t want to interrupt this brilliant mind at work.
While listening to Clueless shoot down all the reasons why the evidence against Chloe won’t amount to a hill ‘o’ beans in court I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it save a ton of time to just put a disclaimer outside of his office that reads: Attention! This police department does not actually solve cases. Instead we offer advice on the many ways your case won’t win a conviction in court. Please book your appointments under the assumption that all sessions with the chief of police are basically an exercise in futility.
Meanwhile in the back alleyways of what I assume to be the warehouse district Abby is freaking out to a realtor when she’s told a contractor bailed on their meeting. I take note of the huge dumpster and two trashcans in the background. They serve as a metaphor that her business acumen is garbage. Her realtor assures her not to worry because she somehow managed to wrangle another contractor. Abby is overcome with relief, but an incoming call from Ashley (which she doesn’t answer) seems to spook her and she leaves.
When next we see Abby she’s over at Jabot with Ashley who asks why her daughter didn’t share the news that she’s been appointed acting CEO at Newman. Obviously nervous about something Abby instead wants to know if Ashley worked on developing JabotGo™ first before telling Jack. Ashley says yes, but quickly cautions Miss Pretend CEO not to take that to mean she should be hiding things from Victor which could get her on his bad side. This is good advice as being on Victor’s bad side could mean him working with a sociopath that ends up getting her killed. Anyway, Abby leaves in a rush and I’m so glad she’s gone. Everything about her bores me to tears. As a matter of fact that’s what I’m calling her from now on–A-Bore.
In the tiny box Michael and Lauren call home Michael asks what’s up when he notices Scotty peering through a window into the distance. Scotty asks some vague questions about breach of contract which Michael takes to mean Scotty is talking about Victor and he advises that anyone who doesn’t follow the mustache’s directions always lives to regret it.
As Scott tells Michael about Nikki pushing for him to stop writing Victor’s version of the Sun Tsu classic, The Art of War my eyes start to droop. This day started off so well, but now I feel sleepy.
Luckily Kevin wakes me from my reverie when he rings the doorbell. He’s come to tell Micheal about his letter from Chloe. Sensing they need privacy Scotty leaves them to see if Sharon can fix him a small plate of diabetes at Crimson Lights.
Back to the real reason why this day is interesting, Micheal convinces Kevin to take Chloe’s letter to the police. As Clueless is pondering the sender’s address in Malta (damn, Italy?! How the f*ck did Chloe get to Italy so damn fast?) Billy goat unexpectedly barges in to announce he too has received a letter from Chloe, but his is from a Cayman Island address. Say whaaaaaaaaat?
Goat is practically breathing fire, he’s mad as hell that Chloe stole his “kids” to impregnate herself. Paul says he can’t believe Chloe would do that and I want to slap him upside the head. Of all the crazy shit that goes on in this town sperm theft is not exactly rare. Doppelgängers on the other hand, well…
