Dear Captain Obvious: Can you explain to me why the afterlife involves such busy work? Since dying over 2 years ago I’ve been crossing over on a regular basis to counsel my many offspring on the horrible way in which they choose to live their lives. It appears I’m more useful dead than I have ever been alive. Who knew? Ghost Daddy.
Dear Ghost Daddy: I think it’s wonderful that you’ve found something to be dead for! I can’t believe you were not briefed about the duties of apparitions. It’s true that the work you do after dying can be quite involved and exhausting. The trick is to pace yourself, eat right and get plenty of eternal rest.
Dear Captain Obvious: My daddy said he’s going to crush me like a cockroach. So that explosion you hear is actually me shitting bricks. I didn’t want things to end up this way, but he brought this on himself. If he had just stood off to the side like a supportive father while I pissed on his good name and everything he spent his entire life building, everything would have been fine. But no, he had to get all sanctimonious on me and cut me out of his life like a corn on his big toe. I’m really ticked off about this, I mean, is it right for him to treat me this way? Pain In The Loins.
Dear Pain: Though it is hurtful for your father to compare you to a foul and dirty pest, take heart in knowing that the cockroach are among the hardiest insects on earth therefore crushing you like one, though ambitious, can prove difficult as you scurry from corner to corner to avoid certain death. My advice would be to seek refuge in damp and warm surroundings for the next few months. Cockroaches are known to be able to live up to a month without water and three times longer without food. Sit this out and patiently wait for your father’s anger to subside. After enough time has passed request reconciliation and see where things go from there.
Dear Captain Obvious: Instead of saving my fledgling magazine from the doldrums of mediocrity by actually doing some work I decided to take some of my time and put it toward digging around in my ex-husband’s expense reports and credit card bills. I have a sneaking suspicion he’s behind an attempt to frame my father-in-law for murder. Now that I have the goods on him do I bring it to my husband so that my ex can be investigated or should I keep mum because my husband’s about to cheat on me with my ex’s wife? Nosey.
Dear Nosey: Sorry, I’m afraid the die has been cast for your husband to be unfaithful no matter what you do with the information. Now that that’s taken care of, how about sending a free subscription my way? I have a birdcage that needs lining.
Dear Captain Obvious: I’m a reformed weasel who is constantly tempted from the path of righteousness by one criminal act or another. Usually my motivation is money even though I am an IT executive at a cosmetics firm and own a very popular, very lucrative coffee shop near GCU. Why am I so poor? Tempted.
Dear Tempted: My guess would be that you are bad at math.
Dear Captain Obvious: I have an insatiable appetite for public humiliation. This is why I work night and day to make sure that people get put in prison for crimes they don’t commit—on flimsy circumstantial evidence no less! My latest mission involves locking up a world-renowned billionaire for admitting in his diary that he killed a man. This is the second time I’m going after this man; the first time my bogus prosecution resulted in a pink slip from the D.A.’s office and sneers from my colleagues. I bathed in public ridicule for months before the sensation of my ass hitting the pavement wore off. Now I’m at it again. Where does this yearning come from and will it end up harming me in the long run? Foot-In-Mouth.
Dear Foot-In-Mouth: Your pathetic cravings probably stem from feelings of loss and longing for something. There is no use denying what lies at the very heart of who you are as a human being. You would only be living half the life you were meant for so don’t be made to feel ashamed of your compulsion to attract negative attention to yourself.
Dear Captain Obvious: My boss is a fine black man whose awesomeness is completely wasted on his new fiancée. I’ve tried to keep a professional distance but it’s hard because now that he’s just become engaged some unforeseen power is no doubt going to compel me to throw myself at him. I wish this letter was about me asking advice on how to avoid our inevitable indiscretion, but really I just want to know what I should say to his fianceé when word gets out that I’ve slept with her man?  Scheming.
Dear Scheming: Tell her you’re sorry, that you never meant for it to happen and that it only happened ONE time. This usually works as the standard answer and is commonly accepted as a perfectly adequate explanation for whoring and impaired judgment caused by drunkenness, horniness, and general stupidity.
Dear Captain Obvious: Can you offer any insight on how I can stop being such a victim? My boyfriend dumped me this year to marry the mother of his child but every time I see him I just melt into this blubbering puddle of indignity. He says that he loves me and that, were it not for the baby in his wife’s protruding stomach, we’d still be together. I’ve tried to move on but the guy I’ve been talking to online keeps standing me up whenever we arrange to meet face-to-face. I can’t believe that this is my life; only a few months ago I was a sought after model and had a boyfriend that worshipped the ground I walked on. Woeful.
Dear Woeful: Forget the online guy and realign your energies on something more tangible. Does your ex have someone close to him that you could hook up with—a best friend, mentor or relative perhaps? Dating someone he knows or is related to not only guarantees to give you a much-needed diversion but also is sure to stick in his craw whenever he sees the two of you frolicking about town.
Dear Captain Obvious: I woke up today in a shallow stream with no recollection of who I was or how I got there. Thanks to the kindness of some man who claims to know me, I was rescued and brought back to his home where I got to shower and fill my stomach with generous helpings of pork and beans—apparently my favorite. I can’t shake the feeling though that something’s not quite right. I may not remember who I am but judging from my manicure and the expensive diamond on my left hand I’m guessing there’s more to life than this dump. How do I find out for sure? Dazed.
Dear Dazed: Well, there is this wonderful invention called the World Wide Web. Find a computer and use it to search if anyone in the surrounding areas has gone missing in the past couple of weeks. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and memorize what you look like, that way if you see a picture of the missing person and it looks like you you’re probably a victim of mistaken identity. Of course if you have a doppelgänger things get more complicated. Be prepared to stall pace makers and illicit screams of terror when you return to your original home.
Originally published: Nov-24-2008
