GENOA CITY, WI—Bawling with abandon in her cute bedroom where she sat on the floor beside her bed after a Christmas school play Tuesday, precious child Faith Newman allegedly wondered why in the name of everything good and decent in this world did she have to be saddled with two parents who fought incessantly and crapped over everything she loved.
Utterly disgusted by their latest defection on her Christmas show by bickering over who would get to spend more time with her during winter recess, 9-year-old Faith shrilly announced that she wanted a divorce from her parents.
Witnesses in attendance confirmed that it was obvious the battle weary child had reached her limit.
“Faith has like, the weirdest family ever!” claimed schoolmate Jackie Bronfmann. “Yeah. She’s always going through some crazy crisis.” “For one, her mom likes to steal her dad’s children. First it was her step-sister Summer and then it was her brother Sully,” chimed in a second friend named Winnie Mayfield.
Added Bronfmann: “Her family also does a lot of bad stuff that makes them go to jail. My grandad has never been in jail like Faith’s has.”
According to reports Newman went missing when her stepfather Dylan McAvoy went to her room to check on her. Soon after a child-hunt was quickly organized by Newman security staff. However, it was Newman’s grandfather who uncovered the poor child shivering under piles of hay in the estate’s stables.
“It’s not surprising that Faith would choose the stables to hide” said Buck Wingfoot, the Newman’s longtime stable hand. “She’s used to the smell of horse shit and the neighing of the animals we house here; her father lives in the tacky shack right next-door. It’s like her third bedroom if you count the one she has at her mother’s house and her father’s house.”
At press time, after much soul searching and online research on custody arrangement for children who are treated like rag dolls in a tug-of-war between parents, Newman announced to her mother and father that she would like to move in with her grandparents indefinitely and advised them to send her an email to request visitation going forward.
