GENOA CITY, WI—Saying he was only seeking to ease the unrest among executives in the Newman Enterprises energy division, Luca Santori, affectionately dubbed ‘two-faced son of a bitch’ by company founder, Victor Newman, made another desperate bid at seeking employment at the company on Monday. “I am well versed in this aspect of the business, so when Summer asked for assistance to draft a comprehensive proposal so that she could hack into her Aunt Victoria’s email account and send it using her name I was weary at first, but went along with it eventually,” the impeccably dressed but unemployed man told reporters on Monday.
Santori is currently in a relationship with Summer Newman, who began working in the family business late February as a babysitter for the company’s web developers. “I usually spend my days walking around town looking for things to do so naturally I was available in her time of need. Together we managed to circumvent a catastrophic event at Newman,” Santori added, as he scanned through his empty calendar, saw no upcoming appointments and then turned off his cellphone.
According to reports recent efforts to ramp up IT security and governance at the multinational conglomerate were put into place after a malicious computer virus and severe fire almost brought the company to its knees in October 2015. The headquarters located in Newman Towers was inhabitable for months while renovations took place.
In light of this recent security breech Chief Information Officer Bob Ribbing was frustrated to confirm the hacking, “Ms. Newman called us to look into the matter, but our scope of enforcing password security unfortunately cannot compensate or protect sensitive information when a poorly chosen 5-letter password that comprises of her ex-husband’s first name is established.” Ribbing went on to note that he is stepping down as the company’s CIO and would look for a job where executive management was “less dumb.”
