LOS ANGELES—Keen to capitalize on the only act of kindness ever shown to her by a man, 23-year-old human mannequin Sasha Thompson confided to reporters on Friday that the time had come to once again charm the pants off of her next victim. “It’s been a few weeks since me and my last boo broke up and even though I cared about him, it’s time to move on, honey,” said the love-starved woman as she practiced batting her eyelashes in the reflection of her handheld mirror.
Eager to share what she claims is a foolproof plan for securing a man, Thompson fished around in her small beach tote and pulled out a dog-eared marble composition notebook filled with page after page of sketches and carefully written notes. “I have everything sectioned. Like things to say to play on their emotions, body language to let them know you’re kinda interested but you don’t want to rush things. Oh! Here’s a section for what NOT to do. Like lying to your boyfriend about being pregnant with his baby. Or here where it says pushing up on your sister’s man and seducing him is not cool—yeah, trust me I tried it. Doesn’t work.”
What does work, according to Thompson, is being pushy. “Do cute stuff like, like all his pictures on Instagram and pay attention to the geo-tags so if you notice any spots he frequents you can hang out there all day in the hopes that he’ll show up and then you can just pretend you were in the neighborhood.”
Increasingly growing excited about her borderline stalker tendencies Thompson also shared with reporters how ‘super important’ it is to show up unannounced about once a week, preferably not wearing a lot of clothes—to remind the man of your dreams that even though your only agenda is friendship it’s good to turn him on at the same time.
At press time Thompson was still blathering on more useful tricks of seduction which include telling the man how lucky you are to know him, soliciting an open invitation to his house by mentioning your cramped living arrangements with no air-conditioning then, when he is sufficiently disarmed and enjoying your company, seal his fate by serving him a refreshing beverage and being a total goofball.
