GENOA CITY—Telling the press Monday they were sick and tired of watching another patron being preyed upon by media parasites, wealthy members of the purportedly exclusive Genoa City Athletic Club said they feared that their ‘home away from home’ was fast turning into nothing more than a Motel 6 where peasants and filthy paparazzi scum were allowed to roam about freely with little or no consequence.

Club manager Lily Ashby failing miserably at making the paparazzi feel scared.

Club manager Lily Ashby failing miserably at making the paparazzi feel scared.

“I turn a blind eye to the occasional homicide in the rooms. I even completely block out the memory of gun toting psychos who have held members hostage, but this?! This is getting to be more than I can bear,” said longtime member Gertie Bumpkins. Bumpkins’ lunch companion, also a member, wondered aloud why their considerable club dues weren’t put to better use by hiring security to keep riffraff out.

“In my day, you could cheat on your spouse and still enjoy your privacy from the press.” This should be a place of refuge not a place where gossip mongers can prance in here all willy-nilly and push a microphone in people’s faces,”

-Wilbur Matting, GCAC member

Bumpkins and Matting were in the midst of their weekly lunch date when they say another member by the name of Phyllis Abbott walked in with paparazzi nipping at her heels. Further reports indicate that Abbott is currently the subject of gossip fodder after her husband announced on a live local news program last week that Abbott had been having an affair with his brother. “One of the things I’ve always enjoyed about coming here is that there is never a dull moment,” said Matting between mouthfuls of cheese curds—a club specialty. Added Bumpkins gleefully, “Who needs a soap opera when you can dine here on any given day and see someone getting punched, a drink thrown in their face or a wife doing the walk of shame after a afternoon tryst in one of the guest rooms.”

A spokesperson for the GCAC offered this when asked why a club owned by a billionaire neglects to provide the security needed to shield members from the media vermin who occasionally darken its doorway: “Do we want our members to feel safe in the confines of our club? Yes. Do we always get what we want? No.”