Dear Captain Obvious: My crotch literally caught on fire last week engulfing me and my husband’s brother in a wildfire fueled by lust and idiocy. I wish I could tell you that it was our first time, but alas, I’ve been making a mockery of my wedding vows for quite a few months. Eventually I came to my senses and ended things for good. The plan was to take our disgusting secret to the grave, but that went to hell when my brother-in-law decided to play Chinese telephone with our indiscretion. It finally got to my husband and he went ballistic. Funny enough, having sex with an extended family member really cleared the fog out of my head, and I said to myself, ‘You know what? I think I want to stay married’. Can you tell me how to clean up the mess I’ve made of my life and get my husband back? Mrs. Do Over.
Dear Do Over: So having sex with your brother-in-law made you realize you wanted to stay married? Hmmm…sex wasn’t that good, huh? That realization sure came at a high price. Listen, Sweet Cheeks, sluts and cheating dogs are nothing new in this town so take heart in knowing you’re in good company. Having said that, there’s a pretty good chance your husband has a few skeletons of his own rattling around. Have you checked? Look for something you can throw back into his face the next time he wants to get sanctimonious and never let him forget that as far as cheating goes it’s a Genoa City guarantee, right along with death and taxes.
Dear Captain Obvious: My son’s ex-wife wants me to get it through my thick skull that she won’t be reuniting with him anytime in this century. I refuse to believe it’s over between them even though she living with her new (extremely sexy) boyfriend and my son is hopelessly lovesick over another woman. I’ve tried everything I can think of to drive them back into each others arms, including buying a company and putting them in charge of running it, sending them on business trips together and, most recently I offered a job to the new boyfriend so that I can ship him off overseas. Sadly, nothing has worked and I need some new ideas. Mom In Charge.
Dear Mom: Here’s one: try drilling a hole into that thick skull of yours and deposit your son’s ex-wife’s instructions inside. Next, keep your meddlesome beak out of their affairs and get a life of your own.
Dear Captain Obvious: My friend and I were on a mission to heal the world and all the wretched addicts that polluted it. Everything was going according to plan until my friend’s personal life suffered a huge hit causing him to lose faith in humankind and step over to the darkside. Being no stranger to anger and wicked desires myself I cautioned him not to wade too deep into the pool of self-pity and destruction. A lot of good that did me. He all but told me to f*ck off before walking away from the foundation we established together. I need to throw him a lifeline but have no idea what to use. Friend To The End.
Dear Friend: I’m afraid it’s no use. The problem with leading a donkey to the well is, at the end of the day, you can’t force it to drink. And like a donkey your friend is being a stubborn ass. Sure, you could hold him against his will and sentence him to an endless loop of your cautionary tales and advice, but that won’t do any good unless he’s ready to accept your support. Instead fall back and watch him act on his evil thoughts. Then when he hits rock bottom swoop in and ask him if he wants your help now that his life has completely imploded and he’s an absolute mess. When he says yes, laugh and say you don’t believe him. That way he has to earn it. See! By making him grovel he’ll value your friendship more and his faith in your philanthropy efforts will be renewed. Everyone wins!
Dear Captain Obvious: Would you classify ’corporate stooge’ as a good skill set for a resume? It’s pretty much been the only thing I’ve mastered since making the career jump from bartender to corporate seat filler. My latest job is being a spy for my boss so she can play matchmaker for her son. It’s pathetic, I know, but i’m hoping if I kiss her ass hard enough I’ll be rewarded by running the company on my own one day. High Hopes.
Dear High: Yes, by all means dream BIG. Isn’t that how the Wright brothers first took flight and how we got a man on the moon? Your dream of not being a laughing stock among your peers should be no different. Don’t forget that it takes more than just hoping to make wishes come true. Prepare for the next step in your career by following these instructions:-
Step 1: Go above and beyond in the position you already have: Scheme and plot with your employer and come up with your own ingenious ways to interfere in the son’s love life.
Step 2: Pat your own back: Never tire from reminding your boss what a great ass kisser you are. Shoehorn your devotion into every single conversation you possibly can. Squeal like a rat on her son before she even asks you for an update.
Step 3: Get a mentor: Think! Is there anyone in your life who you can ask to groom you in the ways of being a two-face bastard? I bet there is. Approach this person and ask them to take you on and teach you all the ways you can make yourself appear even less talented and desperate than you already are. Best of luck
