You May Need To Almost Die To Win Internships, New Report Says

LOS ANGELES—Securing a coveted internship just got harder. A new report published Tuesday by the American Journal For Overworked and Underpaid Interns debunked the popular belief that nepotism, a keen desire to learn about industry or even college prerequisites was all that was needed to win an internship. Now, according to the report, young adults looking to get their foot in the door of a dream job should consider risking life and limb if they want to keep a competitive edge.

“Actually the numbers are quite revelatory,” says Linerva Smith, a certified person who knows a lot about numbers and other mathematical stuff, “We now see a trend where 83% of interns who land internships did so by putting themselves in harms way to illustrate their desire to work,” said Smith adding that interns in Los Angeles seeking employment in key careers such as fashion, film or music should not hesitate to endanger their lives if it means saving someone else, especially if that person is in executive management.

Experts stated that watching out for these indicators mentioned in the published paper might help:-

1. The intern must seek employment at a family-owned business.
2. The intern must be related to someone who was once a threat to the family-owned business thereby providing conflict of interest by association.
3. One or more members of the family-owned business should have a strong desire to sleep with the intern or someone he or she is related to. This not only helps to land the interview but also means the intern will gain favor easily.
4. The intern must win the internship, lose it and then save someone’s life within the organization to illustrate that their life and needs come secondary to that person.

The report ultimately concluded that while overwhelming data shows more and more young adults staring into the jaws of death to obtain their dream job there are a few wimps who choose to opt out of the harrowing process all together, “Studies show that these lily-livered good-for-nothings either slink back to the small towns they came from to live lives of mediocrity or drive for Uber. It’s usually split between the two.”