GENOA CITY, WI—Saying he had had it up to here with his brother’s self-righteous attitude, habitual f*ck up, Billy Abbott told reporters Tuesday that he was ready to wage war with his older sibling “I am going to take what is mine whether that is my company, my children, or a woman” the Abbott family black sheep goat conveyed irritably as he buttoned his shirt after a pleasant evening spent taking another random woman to bed.
Abbott, a man whose only skill sets include sleeping with women, drinking, breaking promises, gambling and exhibiting general asshole tendencies, further noted that while it is true he’s done some stupid things in the past, like grind his wife’s heart into a fine powder, help unleash a deadly computer virus that nearly destroyed his family’s company and lust after and actively pursue his brother’s wife, he still was, underneath that thick layer of douchebaggery, an honest to goodness guy.
According to reports, the impetus for Abbott’s heartfelt defense stemmed from an argument he had with his older brother, Jack, whom, Abbot compares to a samurai master wielding a Cut-Down Billy sword.
The battle between brothers had been crackling on the hearth of familial obligation and rank for many months, but only now has come to a boiling point because Abbott had the audacity to attempt to earn a living without his older brother’s approval.
Business associates of both the Abbott brothers intimated that a few weeks prior Jack had fired Billy from Jabot Cosmetics as part of a bargain deal with major competitor Newman Enterprises. “It was the way he did it that took everyone by surprise, said a nervous Jabot executive to reporters, on the condition of anonymity. Lowering his voice to a whisper from inside the company’s My Father’s Legacy board room, the executive explained, “Apparently he just went over to his house and said ‘You’re fired’, just like that.”
The source went on to say that he couldn’t help wondering what Mr. Abbott’s treatment of his own flesh and blood meant for the remaining skeleton staff. “Ever since that Paragon virus ripped through our systems like a bad case of diarrhea, we’ve had to flush away key personnel—basically 85 percent of our staff is gone. It’s been a putrid first and second quarter.”
