LOS ANGELES—Having been summoned by his daughter from his father’s bedside to be told something that easily could’ve been relayed with a simple telephone call, disheveled brute Ridge Forrester reportedly got the surprise of his life Monday when he learned his father was in fact not legally married to a woman he despised. “This made driving through L.A. rush-hour traffic worth it!” said Forrester, not knowing whether to dance or shit himself with excitement before breathlessly adding that with his father’s power of attorney the unsigned marriage certificate his daughter found was just the leverage he needed to pry Quinn Fuller loose from his family.
Latching on to the moment as a baby would a lactating breast, sources claim Forrester quickly made arrangements for movers to meet him at his father’s estate where he was eager to pack away his new stepmother’s belongings and ship them off without interruption.
“This was your greatest performance ever. You convinced my dad that you’re not the satanic demon that everyone knows you are.”
-Disheveled brute
As confirmed by eavesdropping household staff, Forrester’s tacky plan of vindication was already in progress when Fuller returned to her home only to find two strange men with cardboard boxes packing. When Fuller inquired what was going on Forrester almost tripped over his legs with glee to announce he was removing her from the home she shared with his father. “Your living room marriage ceremony is irrelevant. You and my Dad didn’t sign the marriage certificate so that means you’re not legally husband and wife,” said Forrester brandishing the neglected legal document proudly.
Further reports indicate that Fuller was not in the mood for Forester’s shenanigans. “Are you f*cking kidding me? While your father is practically at death’s door this is what you choose to focus on?” said Fuller, inwardly wishing she could shove the certificate down Forrester’s throat and make him eat it.
At press time, Forrester blatantly disregarded Fuller’s repeated requests for basic human decency before prancing away to verify an inventoried list of Fuller’s cosmetics, lingerie and a rather large collection of smart black horn-rimmed glasses.
