GENOA CITY, WI—Grinding to a sudden halt somewhere between the 10th floor and laughable predictability, sources from Jabot Cosmetics told reporters Monday that the office building’s main elevator abruptly malfunctioned, ostensibly to allow its two passengers, Jabot executive Ashley Abbott and ex-sea captain Travis Crawford, a few uninterrupted minutes to formerly introduce themselves and eventually realize they had met each other before. “I think this thing is cursed, I swear it needs an exorcist,” said Abbott before she revealed her name and quickly realized the reason Crawford had looked so familiar to her. “What a coincidence! You were my doubles partner in the Hamptons. What brings you here to America’s dairy capital?” Abbott purportedly wanted know.
According to reports, Crawford gave Abbott a tight smile and made a very weak case for his reasons behind fleeing his high-paying job on Wall Street—trading in fat bonuses and custom suits–for a small town with a high doppelgänger crime rate and only one coffee shop.
“I just realized it wasn’t my dream. My destiny was to open a dive bar with a broken jukebox and leaky pipes.”
-Travis Crawford
Abbot was said to have chuckled at Crawford’s obvious stupidity before theorizing that she believed the elevator was reacting to all the “bad vibes” in the building.
But claims made by Gertrude Grit, part owner of elevator company Johnson and Grit, which has maintained Jabot’s elevators for the past three decades, say wasn’t a result of elevator failure. “It happens more frequently than you might think. There is no cause for alarm,” said Grit who then explained that it was actually a little known artificial intelligence sensor built into the elevator motor. The device, called the Awkward Conversation Maximizer, was invented by Grit’s late father in the 1970’s. Its sole function is to detect if there are any passengers on board who may need a few moments to have a much needed moment of social awkwardness.
Added Grit, “It’s a really smart piece of technology. It can trigger if two people are having an affair and need to have a painfully repetitive conversation about staying apart; it could trigger when two people having a burning desire for each other and may need a moment to look into each other eyes and kiss passionately; it may also trigger if a pregnant woman goes into labor, giving her no choice but to give birth inside the elevator. And in this case, it can trigger when two people know each but don’t remember they’ve met before.”
The doppelgänger crime-to-coffee shop ratio IS incredibly high in GC. I mean my small town has several coffee shops and we’re not even big enough to be a bustling capital of industry like Nowhere, Wisconsin apparently is.
hahaha @ “crime-to-coffee shop ratio”