Dear Captain Obvious: I’m the lying soulless peacock mothers and fathers typically warn their precious daughters to stay away from. Still, when my slick exterior and tight euro fashion clothing prove too tempting to resist I can usually get a women to fall like a house of cards at my feet. My latest victim, an incredibly naïve heiress from a prominent, wealthy family, was crushed when all my lies and plotting against her kin was exposed. My loathsome behavior shook her to the core, but underneath all the deceit I have to admit that I did come to care a great deal for her. Before I am deported back to my country I want to tell her that it wasn’t all just a vengeful game for me. What is a good way to get a silly American woman to let down her guard once again and believe the bullshit I’m selling? Casanova.
Dear Casanova: If I were you I wouldn’t bother putting any effort into snaking your way back into this woman’s good graces. But if you insist, simply brush up on your bullshit skills by reading any Nicholas Sparks novel. There you will find all the prose you need to hose her down with cheap romantic sentiment and longing. If you get her to cry you know you’ve accomplished your goal of being the total dirt bag who always puts his own needs first.
Dear Captain Obvious: Two years ago I went through my own personal version of hell when my darling daughter’s life was snuffed out by a hit-and-run driver. When it came to light that the perpetrator was my best friend’s husband I literally went crazy trying to make him pay. I tried shooting him, running him over with a car and when that didn’t work I hunted him like the animal he is, shot him with a dart gun and lit a fire that blew his ass to hell. Man, can I tell you that later that night I slept better than I have in years? It’s true! Now the hard part: holding my game face together while living with my best friend and comforting her knowing that I’m the reason she’s now a widow. Got any pointers to share? Two-Face.
Dear Two-Face: The problem with having two faces is you’ve got to constantly keep track of which one you’re wearing and around whom. But, it’s not your Mr. Hyde mask you should be worried about; it’s your soul. You don’t have one.
Dear Captain Obvious: My husband is a cop whose day-to-day duties usually involve investigating some of the close friends and family that populate our small town. He’s currently having a moral dilemma about turning in some evidence that could either send a wrongfully accused man back to prison or give him a fresh start at a new life. Having never experienced what it’s like to stand on any kind of moral high ground I simply advised him not to say anything. Did I do right by my man? Self-Serving.
Dear Self-Serving: I too like to swim in the gray, murky areas where right and wrong interchange as easily as a politician’s campaign for reform. I don’t let slack beliefs keep me up at night and neither should you. Keep in mind, though, that karma is a sneaky bitch, and if you choose to live life this way it could come back to you twofold. I wouldn’t let it bother me though, that’s only bad if you have some deep, wicked secret you don’t want coming out, which I’m sure you don’t. So, yeah, everything is going to be just fine.
Dear Captain Obvious: You know how I like to relax on a Friday evening with family? By inviting my brother and his wife to dinner so that I can steal furtive glances at her and grab her hand under the table when no one is looking. I would’ve taken her right there in the restaurant if only she allowed it. But my lustful looks and heavy panting were thwarted when she told me to back off. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. How can I make her see that I am the better brother? Low Down.
Dear Low Down: I always use the help of handy infographs when comparing the pros and cons of two different objects. You might want to do the same. Split the chart down the middle and place yourself to the left with a title that reads: Selfish Assclown, and on the left place your brother under a title that reads: Blind Bat. Make a list under each heading that shines a light on your best assets. For instance, on your side of the graph you might want to put something along the lines of “Horny for you all the time.” Studies show that women love being adored. Perhaps you might want to throw in “Will love you until something better comes along” as well just to make sure you’re providing transparency. You want the woman you lust, er..I mean love, to make a very informed decision. Good luck and send me an update on your progress if you can.
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