Dear Captain Obvious: I’m your typical teen—entitled, bratty and plagued with such poor posture I need to prop myself up on any available furniture while I stand having conversations with people. Aside from wanting the world and everything in it I also want my mommy and daddy to get married again. Don’t ask my why I’m so fixated on this—my parents have tried being married six times with little success—but I’m angsty and prone to mouthing off about stuff I can’t even begin to comprehend so here I am demanding that we be a “family” again. Anyway, my mom is engaged to marry some huge douchenozzle and I can’t let this happen. What are some tricks of sabotage you can share? All About Me.
Dear All: You don’t by chance happen to have an identical twin that you were separated from at birth do you? Because if you did…oh, man. I can’t begin to tell you the comedy gold you would be able to get out of staging all sorts of wacky hijinks to drive a wedge between your mother and her muttonhead fiancé while at the same time showing your parents how wrong they are for each other. Right! Dammit, I meant to say, ‘right for each other’.
Dear Captain Obvious: I feel a migraine coming on and it’s all due to the fact that my selfish children and grandchildren refuse to accept that I’ve chosen to atrophy in my twilight years with a young woman who is as batshit crazy as she is beautiful. After all I’ve done for them?! I’ve tried so many times to tell them that my fast and furious relationship is not at all symptomatic of dwindling faculties, but it falls on deaf ears. How can I bring them around? Pa Knows Best.
Dear Pa: I would advise you to get a new family if you could, but considering the time and effort you spent working on your current one, I understand that it’s not the most ideal approach. So that leaves us with you growing a sack and telling your ungrateful brats to respect your unholy union or risk being written out of your will. This is bound to get their attention since it’s likely they’re all waiting for the day you keel over so they can pick away at the bones of your estate.
Dear Captain Obvious: I’m seeking forgiveness from my daughter-in-law for kidnapping her then fiancé, and leading her to believe he wanted nothing to do with her while the whole time I was keeping him in the dark about who he really was. I also should mention that I told him I was his wife and raped him repeatedly by way of false pretense. Then to twist the dagger of betrayal even deeper I’m now engaged to be married to her grandfather! I want her to see that I’ve changed from being Satan’s devoted disciple to a caring woman capable of good, wholesome emotions and feelings, but it’s a little hard persuading her to see the new me that only took about five months to form. Should I give her more time? Praying.
Dear Praying: If you’ve got an alarm clock go ahead and set a time for ’never’. That’s my guess for when this badly damaged woman will be ready to buy your New Leaf routine.
