LOS ANGELES—In what has reportedly become the most lavishly tragic wedding of 2016, L.A.-based fashion czar, Eric Forrester and his bride Quinn Fuller declared their love for each other Monday under a haunting portrait of Forrester’s deceased wife hanging above the fireplace in the man’s decadent living room. “I asked this beautiful lady to marry me and that’s what we’re going to do right now,” announced Forrester to the pastor and his niece, the only two guests who RSVP’d beside the string quartet, and miscellaneous wait staff who were contractually bound to attend.
Having protested the union twice by falling off the wall and crashing to the floor below, and now securely fastened by additional hooks and Velcro, the portrait of Forrester’s dead wife had no choice but to look on helplessly as her husband married a woman her family despises. “They didn’t come and they knew I wanted this,” said the disappointed groom referring to his thoughtless children and grandchildren before adding that they were not going to interfere with his choice to marry an alleged lunatic.
“On behalf of the less fortunate housed in our local shelters, thank you Forrester family. Were it not for your petty, inconsiderate act of not attending the wedding this bountiful food donation would not have been possible.”
-Reverend Murphy
According to reports, the luxurious ceremony featured a desolate living room filled to the gills with 17,000+ stem roses, gallons of expensive champagne, silver platters overflowing with hors d’oeuvres, and a six-tier wedding cake flown in from Italy. A sole witness who spoke under the condition of anonymity claimed that the groom designed Fuller’s dress, however, the delicate hand-stitched craftsmanship was the work of magic elves that toiled tirelessly around the clock to finish the gown within a 48-hour timeline.
In an effort to usher in a new era and pack his late wife away like a long-forgotten memory, sources say Forrester has mounted a portrait of Fuller to replace the dead woman with whom he spent decades building a business and life. The new Mrs. Forrester is featured wearing heavenly white making it almost easy for anyone who gazes upon her visage to forget all the wicked and often criminal acts she has committed to cause people to harm in the past.
