Dear Captain Obvious: I just shipped myself home to my family for Christmas only to learn to my absolute horror that my youngest son has dived back into a relationship with his ex-wife, who is a certified lunatic by the way. After the shock wore off I also learned that she means to make my son step up and raise the child she had by another man! The pain in my chest was almost unbearable while trying to absorb this news. I must do whatever is needed to pry my baby loose from the clutches of this barracuda! My son says he’s happy and I should butt out, which is hard to take at face value since his facial muscles are rarely used to exhibit content, so I can’t really be sure he’s as joy-filled as he claims to be. Should I follow my son or my heart on this? Mama Bear Don’t Care.
Dear M.B.D.C.: Hey, they don’t call them maternal instincts for nothing! If you feel this woman is a threat to your son, by all means give him the gift of unwelcome henpecking this holiday season. Don’t forget to wrap it attractively and top it off with a big, shiny bow.
Dear Captain Obvious: As we all know 2016 has been a shit year for most Americans, but none more so than my ex-wife who’s had to put up with a litany of career stressors, personal life implosions—thanks in part to our contentious divorce—and being lied to, cheated on and disrespected by her fiancé. Naturally I wanted to do what I could to help her release a little tension. So, while at work one day I suggested we break a ton of expense lab equipment. Everything was going according to plan until her father and our boss walked in on us destroying company property. Long story short, my ex reclaimed her senses and basically said that both me and my “childish antics” could take a hike. I think she’s taking things a little too seriously, what do you think? Man Child.
Dear Man Child: I see why your relationship ended; you’re a complete moron and she’s abhors anything that yields excitment. Don’t worry. I won’t ask why you decided to work in the same company together after you concluded that a life partnership was hopeless, but if I could hazard a guess I would say that’s the root of your problems. You two create a horrific cocktail of failure each time you’re together. You know it and she knows it. Problem is you’re both insane and doomed to repeat this ridiculous behavior expecting a different outcome each time. So what does this all mean? More of the same in 2017 obviously. Therefore, I’ll be saving a place in my compost bin for your next letter when it arrives.
Dear Captain Obvious: I have a sneaking suspicion my sister is going broke. She acted cagy and cornered when I inquired how business was doing for the holiday season. Never mind the fact that I’m part owner of the department store she runs and thus have a personal stake in its success. She all but bit my head off and stormed away, conveniently forgetting to answer if I would be receiving my profit dividend payout as per usual this year. How can I get a better picture of what’s going on without making her feel I’m peeking over her shoulder? Smell A Rat.
Dear Smell A Rat: By peeking into her financial reports of course! Isn’t it rather silly to be writing me when you could’ve just as easily have written an email to your accountants to request the latest data on profit and loss? Or is it that you just like wasting my goddam time?
Dear Captain Obvious: My little brother had an affair with my wife that eventually caused the end of our marriage. He’s dead to me in every way that counts and so I decided to cancel Christmas on him by telling him he and his holiday cheer were unwelcome in our family home. Our sisters gave me so much crap about it, but I couldn’t care less because if I did it would mean my heart hasn’t completely turned into stone. How do I get them to back off and let me be free to treat my brother like the backstabbing dirtbag he is? Proud Scrooge.
Dear Proud Scrooge: Isn’t it strange that people in this town just expect you to forgive heinous acts of betrayal and move on like nothing ever happened? F*ck that! Go on and let that feeling of hatred fester and swell with the pus of malcontent. Don’t let anyone take away your right to become soured with hate and ill-will toward men, not even when you find yourself eventually alone after having ostracized anyone that ever gave a shit about you. In your next relationship I urge you to date someone who is perfect and never made a mistake in their life. That’s right, I’m telling you to date yourself since you are perfect in every way and would NEVER stoop to the depraved depths your brother di
