Aaaand we’re back! Let’s begin with a tale of two bitches, shall we?
In the lobby of the Beverly Palm, Hilary and Lily are marinating in the juices of their incredibly vapid, EXCLUSIVE! interview. Sshhh! They’re exchanging catty remarks right now. Let’s listen in:
Hilary: Meowor! Your dress looks like something from a clearance bin. Is it a Sally Spectra original?
Lily: Hissss! Pffft! You should know, don’t you shop clearance all the time now that you no longer have my brother’s money to spend?
Hilary: At least I have a national syndicated talk show and I’m a rising star.
Lily: Bitch, the only thing that’s rising is your eyebrows…right up into your hairline.
Across the lobby, Snow Queen is stirring up a category 5 storm and Goat is standing right in the eye of it. ‘I’ll just call the league and straighten this out,’ Goat bleats, as the veins in his neck pop out. Snow Queen, having by now abandoned all efforts to appear more agreeable and relaxed to regain her ex’s favor, has defaulted back to automatically assuming his idiocy is to blame for this colossal faux pas with their hockey client. She says she got a pissy email that the board of governors have called an emergency meeting.
Oh no! Not an emergency meeting! Wait. That means it’s bad, right?
Relishing every moment while at the same time trying not to appear too elated, that snake in the grass, Cane wonders out loud how could this have happened? All heads turn to Juliet who by now doesn’t seem too confident she actually got the green light to show the footage on air. It suddenly occurs to me that that weasel Cane is probably trying to kill two birds with one public relations nightmare. Cane has officially crossed over to the dark side.
Okay let’s go upstairs to check in on Firecrotch to see what she’s up to…holy shit! I was not expecting to be so close to her mouth! Yikes!
Now, where was I? Right. Firecrotch has been stoking the flames in her lady parts for a while now and she’s ready for another round with Goat. ‘He’ll be shooting blanks by the time I’m done with him. There’ll be nothing left for Victoria when they get to San Diego,’ she thinks to herself as she walks out wearing this get up…
Boy shorts? Really?
Back down in the lobby we learn that Victoria has summoned Hilary. They’re wondering if that famewhore somehow altered the footage. Good call. You know she’s trifling AND basic. This is totally in her bag of tricks. While they wait for word, Lily and Cane have a little chat. She notices he’s distracted which he blames on exhaustion. Yeah, scheming like a little jealous beeyotch really can take a lot out of you.
It turns out Hilary had nothing to do with the damning footage so the B&S team go back and forth about it which Snow Queen declares is getting them nowhere. ‘Hey what about that Jason guy?’ Billy asks frantically. Cane tries to stall, but Snow Queen is like, ‘Enough! Bring his head to me. Now!
Oh shit! You better do what she says guys.
Don’t forget that while this is going on Firecrotch is still waiting on Goat to come back to the room, her flame is all but a pathetic flicker now and she’s tired of waiting around. She checks her phone one last time and decides it’s time to hose herself down.
Downstairs the camera footage guy is standing in the Snow Queen’s court answering to his crimes. He covers the missing footage blunder pretty well and after it’s determined he can’t help them, he is quickly dismissed, but before he takes his leaves he decides it might be a good idea to blackmail Cane for a little more cash. Apparently Cane was expecting it because he pulls out a wad of crisp bills and hands it over begrudgingly to the cameraman.
Now for the best part!
Goat offers to fly to Toronto to smooth things over with the league and goes upstairs to pack. When they’re alone Cane convinces Snow Queen she should go to Toronto alone, ‘Don’t let that idiot f*ck things up anymore than he already has,’ he tells her. Of course you know Snow queen takes the bait. Snow Queen grabs her broom and rides it upstairs to give Goat the bad news. Before she leaves she whips back around and says, “You can come out now Phyllis.” Apparently she could smell Firecrotch because of all of the perfume she doused herself with while waiting for Goat. Awww, damn. Busted.
Okay, now that we’ve got the most interesting part of the day done. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable and lay down…things might get a lil’ sleepy from this point on.
Over at the palatial Newman Ranch. Nikki receives a visitor. It’s Jack, dropping in to catch up or whatever. Jack is hoping to cross paths with Victor again so that he can get under his skin, but Victor isn’t home so he’ll just settle for a chance to poke around the Newman chamber pots to see if he can uncover any secrets amongst their turds. Oh! Nikki doesn’t have any gossip to share today. Bummer. Okay, let’s talk about Jack’s mommy issues. Nikki plays armchair psychologist and tells Jack to “keep his heart open” and to not let the “past affect his future”. Nikki is like a very wise blonde fortune cookie but without the lucky numbers. Thanks Nikki.
Next we head on over to Newman where Scott stands in front of the great mahogany desk of judgment. Victor is not pleased that Scott has come up empty with regards to his daughter’s back door deals. ‘You are an investigative journalist god dammit! Bring me something I can use!’ Victor says. Hey, I have something Victor can use. It’s called common sense. Your name is on the building. Tell your IT people to hack into Boring Human’s emails and IMs and figure out what other boring things she’s doing on company time. There. Problem solved.
Hey! Wake up! I still have to talk about Nick and Chelsea, Genoa City’s most PASSIONATE couple. Hahah…no seriously try to keep your eyes open.
Nick shows up at Chelsea’s condo. “We need to talk,” he tells Chelsea at the door. She invites him in and wastes no time at all going into her boring crap about finding Chloe and enlisting Victor’s help. She tells Nick that Victor is caring and he listens to her and I just roll my eyes. How quickly we forget. Chelsea is making the same mistake she made when she let that murderess back into her life—she’s disregarding the history of the people involved. She did it with Chloe and now she’s doing it with Victor. Ugh! I cannot emphasize enough what a terrible con woman she is. Worst instincts EVER!
Over at Jabot, Boring Human checks in with her uncle Jack and now business partner. They chat about her latest run-in with Scott and quite without warning…my…eyes…
zzzzzzzzz….
Coming up on next Monday’s The Young and the Spineless…
Nikki tells Tessa all of Noah’s business about his bad break up with whats-her-face. See! This is why Noah can’t have nice things. Stop meddling, Nikki!
Victor summons Scott into his Mahogany room of pain. He has another assignment. Poor Scott.
Chelsea is in San Francisco pretending to be Chloe’s sister. Will these dummies ignore doctor-patient confidentiality laws and blab?
