It’s a brand spanking new morning in Genoa City and we arrive just in time to see Billy Goat ringing the doorbell to the Snow Queen’s liar. Goat is met with a slightly thawed out Snow Queen this morning, one who speaks softly and smiles (although it looks more like a grimace to be honest).
Goat wants to say good morning to Katie, but is informed that the nanny has already whisked her and her brother away to school. Goat brings up their schedules, his ex is open to a very liberal come-kiss-the-babies-goodnight-every-night type of agreement. Goat accepts eagerly, mistaking this mirage for paradise when in reality it’s the same barren oasis as before. Don’t fall for it, it’s a trap you silly goat!
Meanwhile…at Crimson Lights, Phyllis walks in to see Nick picking up, breakfast? He gives her the elevator eyes as she approaches. Yes. Phyllis is looking damn good in that plum off the shoulder dress. They sit and Phyllis assures Nick that what she and Goat have is not a rebound, but more passion and fire than anyone in this god forsaken town has seen between a man and a woman in months. Nick says okay, because he can relate to sizzling over the heat of Firecrotch’s flames, you know, back when he spent his days “mourning” Cassie’s death by cheating on Sharon with Firecrotch? Yeah, fun times.
Good (bad?) news travels fast because over at Jabot, Ashley is discussing the very same subject with Jack. Ashley can’t believe she’s just picking the news off the grapevine. Jacks reveals he’s known for a few days now and that it was “classy” of #Philly to say it to his face this time. Then Ashley needles her brother about his “true feelings”, because she relishes making her him rehash the day he found out his wife and brother were betraying him in the most horrible way imaginable. Big sisters rock!
Across town, at Lakeview Towers, Jordan stops by Chelsea’s to dash her hopes. ‘Sorry girlfriend, but I have zero leads on how your psycho BFF got her murderous hands on a fake passport’ he tells her. Then, get this, he tells Chelsea that passport counterfeiters are being put out of business with all the sleek new technology the Department of Homeland Security is cooking up these days. The killing part for me is when he mentions that he worked with three counterfeiters back in his con days, and I wonder if Chelsea thought Jordan knew ALL the counterfeiters out of a population of 321 million people, because she’s actually surprised he doesn’t have better intel. Bwhahah…
Anyhoo let’s skip on over to Newman shall we?
We arrive at the tail end of a meeting between Victor, Abby, a.k.a. The World’s Most Boring Human, and Scott. Victor tells his peons that a digital company is woefully absent from the Newman portfolio and tasks the pair with their first assignment—researching said companies primed to be gobbled alive by a huge multi-conglomerate. Abby pulls rank and says since she’s mentoring Scott she should be the one to make the final decisions. Victor agrees, but insists she makes use of all that special “real life” expertise seeping out of Scott’s pores. Every time he mentions that phrase you can tell Abby bristles on the inside.
Abby leaves and before Scott can do the same Victor tells him that his shitty wardrobe selections aren’t suitable for walking through the hallowed halls of a company he built with his own two hands. Hahah…. burn!
Hey, are you ready for more meetings? Good, I was hoping you’d say that, because it’s time for a Brash & Sassy meeting about which markets they want to flood with their cheap cosmetics line.
After the B&S team discuss the usual fare, Goat announces he wants to pitch an idea. Oh goody! Snow Queen’s eyes light up, but only faintly as she’s incapable of emoting too much in one sitting. Goat says it’s time for B&S to buy some national TV ads. But timing is crucial. Goat suggest they shoot the Ad spot soon so they can roll it out just in time for hockey finals AND land a swift upper cut of victory right square in Cane’s jaw at the same damn time.
Snow Queen approves, but before everyone can percolate with all the possibilities, Cane’s green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. ‘Wah! It’s too expensive,’ Cane whines.
Snow Queen tells Cane to chill, they’ll work on keeping the budget stable. Cane can barely contain his seething jealously. Goat notices it and so does Lily. Her man sure has been acting like a real bitch lately and she itches to remind him that that is her f*cking job not his.
At Jabot, Abby, the boring human is still riled up over Scott. Abby reveals to Jack that Victor just hired someone with ZERO experience in the corporate world and given a senior VP position at Newman. Wait. Is she talking about herself or…? I’m confused. Thank goodness Jack asks for clarity and Abby tells him about what just happened with her Dad and Scott. He warns Abby to remain vigilant now that she’s got a journalist shadowing her. Don’t worry, Abby won’t heed his words and we will enjoy her downfall from grace with absolute glee.
Hey, let’s take a brief break to talk about how Nick and Chelsea are quickly making me die inside each and each and every time they’re in the same room together. Basically, I want it to end. Like NOW! Okay, glad we had that chat. Moving on.
Ashley decides to pay Victor a visit about the little boo boo he just gave their daughter. She says he’s undermining Abby by hiring an investigative journalist to work with her. Don’t you mean informing her Ashley? God knows your daughter could use some of that. Victor disagrees and buzzes Connie to get a hold of Scott so that he can come and explain to Ashley face-to-face that he’s not trying to marginalize their boring little human at all. We don’t actually hear what Scott says because the next scene is basically Ashley telling him he’ll be a great addition to the team and that he’s in good hands with Allstate, er, I man Abby. Ashley makes a face… which pretty much reads, “I can’t prove your bullshit right now, but that doesn’t mean I think this crap is on the level.”
Back to Brash & Bitchy, wouldn’t you know it, Firecrotch and Victoria happen to cross paths. Cue the catty remarks and digs about where Goat will be spending the bulk of his free time. Aaaaand Go!
Snow Queen: Meow! He’s spending every night at his ex-wife’s house saying goodnight to his kids. Not too many women could tolerate their boyfriend doing that.
Firecrotch: Cool. He loves his kids so, I get it…
Snow Queen: Meow! Pffttt.. He and I are going to LA to shoot a TV Ad. Maybe I’ll remove the stick up my butt and have a little fun.
Firecrotch: Oh yeah? Maybe I should come along and run you over with my car. Which hotel are you guys staying in?
Next on Thursday’s The Young and the Useless…
The Boring human will tell her mother that Victor is fishing for proof she isn’t trustworthy.
Jack wants to know if Victoria is keeping Goat around for business or personal reasons. Maybe he’s trying to help her out with expenses for her 2017 taxes?
Firecrotch goes in search of Goat at B&S only to be told by Juliette that he has scurried away to Victoria’s house. Will Firecrotch gas up her hit-n-run car now or wait till she gets to Los Angles? Hhmmmm…
