WALWORTH COUNTY, WI—Saying he was pretty sure some inappropriate shenanigans are going down between Dr. Meredith Gates and inmate Victor Newman, prison guard Matthew Feder whispered to reporters Wednesday that he believed romance was afoot between the pair. “Now I could be wrong; I was wrong once in the 80s, but there’s something a little off about those two. He’s always in the infirmary for one—supposedly to re-dress the festering wound of some injury—and secondly after he leaves his cheeks usually have a rosy glow about them. They can’t fool me; love is in the air!” said the hopeless romantic and 15-year correctional officer veteran, who was carefully cutting shapes of red and pink hearts out of paper mache in the prison’s wood shop.
Added Feder, “Truthfully I doubt the guy needs any help in the ladies department; he’s almost 80 and yet he’s got this smart, beautiful prison doctor half his age eating out of the palm of his hand! Maybe it’s the mustache.”
At press time, Feder had reportedly become so convinced that Newman’s mustache was the key to seducing women that he attacked the inmate in his cell in a shocking attempt to shave it off and glue it to his own salt and pepper gray mustache. Fortunately, another guard who was part of an increased patrol unit due to an earlier attempt made on Newman’s life, managed to thwart the assault.
