Dear Captain Obvious: I just accepted a marriage proposal from a man who literally signed divorce papers the same day he got down on one knee and proposed to me, emphasizing that what he lacks in decorum he makes up for in grand romantic gestures. I can’t recall a time in recent memory I’ve been so happy. The only snag in my euphoria is that my sister is the one my fiancé is dumping into the relationship landfill. I know it’s a little awkward, but I don’t want to deny my feelings any longer and neither does he. To prove this he gave me a gorgeous custom desinged engagement ring in the shape of a sword, ostensibly so that I can use it to stab my sister’s feelings whenever we are in the same room together. Is it okay for me to relish this new beginning without all the guilt? Sorrynotsorry.
Dear Sorrynotsorry: Of course you can! Will you be moving into your fiancé’s home after the ceremony? You should. I think it will make your relationship more solid if you sleep in the same room and bed your sister shared while she was married to your man. Think of how the echo of the ghostly moans of their sex sessions will help you to feel closer to your sister than ever before. It really is a win-win for everyone involved.
Dear Captain Obvious: My half-sister is at it again—throwing her skanky body all over this really hot designer from work. A few months ago she was doing the same damn thing with my boyfriend, which soured our relationship. I ran into her at his loft as I was dropping off some SUPER important documents that, for some reason, couldn’t wait for his return to the office. At first I thought she had leaked in through the pipes or slithered under the crack of his front door or something, but apparently they’ve been willingly spending a lot of time together. Well. Shit. I guess there’s no accounting for taste. Since I’m familiar with her hoeing ways I feel compelled to warn this fool. Should I stab her in the back like she did me? Sister Knives.
Dear Sister Knives: Well they do say that one good turn deserves another. Sure, you could keep that toxicity going and do what obviously comes natural to you—being a player hating curmudgeon who fires heat seeking missiles at anything remotely fun and showing signs of life. OR… and I’m going off the cuff here on this. Or maybe, just maybe you could get a life and stop worrying so much about who skanky sis is spending her time with?
Dear Captain Obvious: I’ve been on a steady diet of my brother’s sloppy seconds for the past few years. My latest dish du jour is his ex-fianceé, whom he had foolishly cast aside before going off the grid for months. Exploiting his absence I made it my life’s purpose to get her to fall in love with me and, before long, she became fatigued by the chase and finally agreed to become my wife. Then a stroke of bad luck—my brother resurfaced and told my wife he wanted her back. I’ve been on the offensive ever since. How can i stop my wife from divorcing me? The Girl Is Mine.
Dear TGIM: Though it’s annoying that your brother wants to have sex with your wife it can’t come as a surprise. Quit trying to mount a counter attack. Instead go deep within yourself. No. Deeper. C’mon a little deeper. Yes. That’s what I’m talking about. Now that you are fully submerged in the folds of your sick desire to love every woman your brother has a relationship with, ask yourself: “what can I do to break this weird compulsion?” Next I want you to spend 30 minutes each morning walking around LA. You’ll see very attractive woman. These are most likely women your brother has not yet had the chance to take to bed. Don’t be repulsed! This is normal. Leave your wife and then ask a random woman on a date. Get off that sloppy second diet and start consuming FRESH produce. Thank me later.
Dear Captain Obvious: Instead of churning out uninspired designs of women’s high fashion I contemplate all the grisly ways I could kill my father’s new girlfriend. I hate her with every fiber of my being, and the fact that I’m forced to look at her evil face fills me with such powerful rage I can’t think clearly. My dark obsession has now propelled me to the ultimate plain of treachery—I’m going to buy an extra 12.5 percent of ownership shares, and with my family’s support, unseat my father as CEO of our company. The bonus round will be kicking that bitch right off this planet, but I digress. When my father’s heart is broken what can I say to him to convey that I did it all for his own good? Bastard Son.
Dear Bastard: Keeping a level head when your aging parents are enjoying their golden years is no small task. Tell your father the truth: that you are a hateful, despicable human being that wants him to die very soon because his life choices are becoming a little too inconvenient for you to bear.
