Dear Captain Obvious: For the second time this year I’ve managed to impregnate a woman. The first, my girlfriend, suffered a miscarriage during the first trimester while the second, a stalker who somehow managed to get herself pregnant while I lay in a drunken stupor in her car, is now a couple of weeks along. The future I was planning with my girlfriend has now gone up in smoke and the house with ugly brick walls I bought for us is now a painful reminder of my stupid mistake. My girlfriend said that I should marry the stalker and give my baby the family it deserves. I want her to put her life on hold while I get married, establish my legal right to the child then get divorced so that we can be free to start our lives together. Am I asking for too much? Old-fashioned.
Dear Old-fashioned: Certainly not! Asking her to baby sit, prepare dinner and chop firewood, all while trying to complete the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle, now that would be asking too much. Do as your girlfriend says, thereby guaranteeing endless months of awkward moments when the two of you are thrown together in stalled elevators and locked bank vaults. I know what you’re thinking, but trust me they’re more common than you think.
Dear Captain Obvious: Hello, selfish brat here. My relationships with my father and best friend unexpectedly soured when I found out they were sleeping together. After I threw the backstabbing bitch out of my home I saddled up my moral high horse and rode it till the day my friend died in a horrible car accident. Soon after, my tune quickly changed and I sought to assuage my guilt by clawing my way to her deathbed to beg for forgiveness. She didn’t exactly give it, too busy dying I suppose, reminiscing on old times was all she seemed to have the strength for before finally going into the light. My father, on the other hand, wants absolutely nothing to do with me—he even cut me out of his will! Anyway, since it’s always about me, I spend my days wringing my hands and wondering if I had accepted their relationship in the first place maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened. How can I make amends? Guilty As Sin.
Dear Guilty: How rude of your friend to expire without giving you a chance to feel better about your atrocious behavior. Well, no matter, she’s six feet under and you still have a lot of living to do (hopefully). Since dear old dad has kicked you to the curb you really have to try your best to ingratiate yourself back into his life. I don’t suppose you have any other friends that he might be interested in having sex with? Give them a call.
Dear Captain Obvious: Astonishingly, no matter how old I get life never ceases to amaze me. Take my daughter for example. I appointed her CEO of my company so that I could eventually retire but it seems that her focus rests solely on one of the subsidiary companies that is always teetering on the brink of financial ruin because either faulty products are killing customers or inappropriate conduct of the company’s executives are causing stocks to plummet. I yearn to know why the place possesses her so when there are more important matters to attend to, like the parent company perhaps? How can I straighten her out? Concerned.
Dear Concerned: Clearly your daughter has a morbid fascination with failure something I don’t doubt is manifesting itself in other areas in her life. I’m willing to bet work is her only creative outlet, in which case you might want to consider providing her a distraction. How about hiring a handyman for her to seduce? She’ll relish the chance to save him from such a ruthless existence and you feel the satisfaction of giving her something constructive to do.
Dear Captain Obvious: Oh my god, I’m getting married! The man of my dreams finally stopped running away from me long enough to propose—he even said that I can move into a spare room in the back of his house as long as we lead totally separate lives other than being parents to our unborn baby. I can’t believe this is happening to me! Well, actually I can. It really wasn’t so hard to maneuver since he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. All I had to do was change my fiancé’s calendars to 1955 so that he would believe we’re still in an era when men married women just because they got them knocked up. Lady Luck.
Dear Lady Luck: Oh my, you are fortunate. A man this stupid comes along once every 100 years or so. Tread carefully though, if your betrothed is really the kid’s father there is a high probability he’ll inherit his father’s moron genes then you’ll have two imbeciles on your hands.
Dear Captain Obvious: My daddy has gone missing and I couldn’t be any more nonchalant. Instead of wondering if he’s alive, dead or worse—walking around in parts unknown in the same black t-shirt and jeans for days on end with nary a thought paid to his personal hygiene and grooming, I would rather take this time to envision myself sitting in his throne, owning his house and running his multi-billion dollar corporation. Let’s just say I’m trying his life on for size. Other Son.
Dear Other Son: I remember someone else who liked to meddle in other people’s things while their backs were turned. She had golden locks and an affinity for all things comfortable. I also remember that when the rightful owners returned to find her asleep and making herself quite at home in their abode that she was killed and eaten. The moral of the story here is: quit being such a tool. Stop thinking about yourself for one second and try to act as though you have even a shred of decency. I know it’s hard but do your best, dipshit.
Dear Captain Obvious: Dammit! I can’t believe I got screwed. Again. After spending months laying the important groundwork to entrap and eventually embarrass my gambling addict CEO so that he could be forced out and I could step in, my plan takes a turn for the worse when the guy dies and the owner appoints her son, who just last year was serving me drinks at a local nightclub. Well I’m not going to take this crap that’s why I’m going to embarrass the president by feeding the media lies and propaganda to hurt the company. This is a good course of action, right? Pissed.
Dear Pissed: Not only is it good it is also downright genius. When the company shares become worthless and you eventually lose your job you’ll feel even smarter!
Originally published: Aug-16-2008
