Dear Captain Obvious: I am a divorced single mother who is as sluttish as can be. My husband cheated on me with a co-worker and had a baby with her. Staying true to my whorish roots, I’ve been planting the seeds of malcontent in the marriage of my ex-sister-in-law and her husband. He would’ve been my husband if only he had left her at the alter when I told him I loved him at their wedding. Even though my ex-SIL hates me with all her might and takes every opportunity to show malevolence, I continue to drive a wedge between them. Will my perseverance eventually pay off or am I just embarrassing myself? Desperate.
Dear Desperate: Since pride is not your strong suit I doubt any advice I give will be of use. But since I am being paid for this, here’s an idea: try keeping your legs closed.
Dear Captain Obvious: My brother is being accused of two counts of murder and another count of attempted murder. He’s tried to kill before so I’m assuming he’s guilty even though he’s worked really hard to change. The inevitable stupidity of hiring the one private detective in town who hates him the most proved its weight in gold when he attacked my brother and nearly killed him. Now I feel guilty about not believing in my brother’s innocence. How can I get him to forgive me? Sorry.
Dear Sorry: Sounds like you have a lot of ass-kissing to do. Make sure that the idiot you hired is punished to the full extent of the law. Show no mercy. With a bit of luck his P.I. license will be revoked. Prepare to be frustrated as the weeks drag on, for the wheels of justice move painfully slow in this town when someone is actually guilty of committing a crime.
Dear Captain Obvious: My daddy insists on spiting me by refusing to die, which prevents me from claiming my rightful place as CEO of the family business. He thinks I’m lazy and spend far too much quality time with my family. Truth be told, I hate earning a living and seize any opportunity to defer work in favor of having sex with my wife. Right now we’re planning a second wedding and I would much rather pour over invitation samples and floral arrangements than spreadsheets and the latest numbers. How can I save face and still have sex 4-5 times a day? Horny.
Dear Horny: I’ve heard that plastic surgeons in South America can clone people. With your clone doing the dirty work at the office, and you doing the dirty deed at home, you will have the best of both worlds! If that doesn’t work try killing your father.
Dear Captain Obvious: I own the only coffee shop in town and I was recently exonerated for attempted murder. Now the family members of the alleged victim are falling over themselves to tell me they’re sorry and express gratitude. Should I forgive and forget or tell them to kiss my ass? Pissed.
Dear Pissed: Revenge is a dish best served cold. Hit them where it really hurts and have them thrown out whenever they dare darken the doorstep of your establishment. Take every opportunity to make them feel like human excrement for not giving you the benefit of the doubt.
Dear Captain Obvious: I live in New York and every time I come home to genoa city it’s for some family emergency. The latest bout of bad luck happened to my daughter who nearly died for the second time in her young life. The intermittent stress is causing me to overeat and have really bad orange-streaked hair. My brother wants me to move back permanently. Should I consider it? Worried.
Dear Worried: By all means move back in with your brother and daughter and live a life where at any moment your whole world could unravel. Just make sure to always have vats of ice cream handy to deal with your eventual breakdown.
Dear Captain Obvious: I’m an illegal alien who just married a blonde bimbo to avoid deportation but I’ve just found my birth mother—who is an American citizen—and now realize that I don’t need the bimbo after all. How do I let her down easy? Glad to be single again.
Dear Glad: Write her a ‘Dear John’ letter thanking her for the use of her body and citizenship while expressing, very gently, that you have no further use for her. Hopefully you used a condom when you consummated the marriage. If you didn’t, or can’t remember, prepare for the bimbo to claim she’s pregnant with your child to trap you.
Dear Captain Obvious: my wife sees dead people. I thought she was going off the deep end so I had her put in a nut house. Now I feel like crap because I recently saw the dead person taking the elevator in our apartment building. My wife is convinced our neighbor, who is also the dead woman’s boyfriend, has something to do with it so I asked him—he denies any involvement. Was this the right move? I am determined to make it up to my wife.
Dear Determined: Quite frankly you don’t seem that bright. Why did you think the dead woman’s boyfriend would tell you the truth? If I were your wife I would divorce you as soon as I got out of the asylum.
Originally published: Mar-3-2007
