HomeFeaturesThe Old and the Tired (A Y&R Parody)(cough, cough) Smokey Springs: A Y&R Parody

(cough, cough) Smokey Springs: A Y&R Parody

YR, Issue 1

It’s Friday evening at Clear Springs. The aftermath of the explosion is now in full swing with emergency personnel swarming the site trying to mobilize a rescue effort. David and Nikki look on in horror and disbelief. “Oh my god. This can’t be happening,†Nikki says while David hugs her close. David grabs the arm of a firefighter rushing past. “Excuse me, I’m Mr. Chow and this is Mrs. Nikki Newman, we’re from NVP and we’re the owners of Clear Springs. Do you have any word on what may have caused the explosion?†“We’re assessing the situation now, sir. As soon as we learn something the Incident Commander will update you.†The man walks away. “Oh, my god. I just had a terrible thought,†Nikki says. “From the looks of things only the casino and parking garage seemed to be damaged.†“So?†David asks. “So, Jack owns the Casino. Victor hates Jack and he was livid when I didn’t tell him about Jack selling Jabot back to Katherine. It’s a very real possibility that Victor could be behind this.†“I know the man’s an egomaniac, Nikki but to blow up a building? Don’t you think…†“What, that I’m taking it too far? You didn’t see the look in his eye when he called in the loan, David. It wasn’t human.â€

Back at Newman Enterprises, Victor is in his office peering through the blinds, surveying all that he owns when his intercom buzzes in. “Mr. Newman there’s an urgent call from Mrs. Newman on line 1.†“Soon to be Mrs. Ex-Newman,†Victor snarls back and picks up the receiver. “How the hell DO YOU dare call me after you walked out on me earlier?†he demands. “What are you talking about? You told me to get out of your office.†Nikki replies. “Since when do you listen to anything I tell you? You ran for state senate when I strictly forbid it. You continue to support Clear Springs even when it’s hemorrhaging money. You“Victor. Victor! Would you please just let me get a word in edgewise. It’s Clear Springs. It’s a disaster up here—there’s been a…â€

“I don’t want to hear it, you got that? I told you. I told you from the beginning this project was a bad idea and you didn’t listen. Now you’re calling me for help? You must be out of your damn mind if you think I’m going to throw more good money after bad.†Nikki sighs heavily and tries one more time to speak, “Victor you’re not listening. Jack’s casino is…†“Is what, the reason why you’re not able to make the loan payment? We’ve already been through this. Where the hell is your dignity for crying out loud? I said ‘no’ and there’s nothing you can do to change my mind, arright? do me a favor, stop wasting my time.â€

Nikki pulls her cell phone from her ear with a scowl on her face. “What did Victor say?†David asks. “He was too busy putting me in my place to let me say anything. You know what, he’s the least of my worries. Have you had any luck calling Nicholas?†“No. Nothing. It just keeps going to voicemail.â€

Assuming the worst, Nikki cries hysterically which inevitably dissolves the rest of her makeup that the explosion didn’t already blow off.

Back at Newman, the flat screen television in the break room magically turns itself on at the precise moment when an anchor of the evening news announces the travesty that has happened at Clear Springs. As luck would have it, Victor’s secretary—who is known to frequently be away from her desk—is in the room making coffee when the news is broadcast. She leaves the breakroom to deliver the bad news. “Mr. Newman,†she rushes out of breath into his office. “Something’s wrong at Clear Springs.†“You got that right,†comes his gruff reply. “No. I mean, there’s been a disaster at Clear Springs,†she tries again. “Did my wife tell you to say that or what?†Victor eyes her narrowly. Exasperated, she crosses the room and flips on the television where the news anchor is still recounting the Clear Springs disaster. Victor is stunned and it dawns on him what Nikki was trying to say to him earlier.

Meanwhile, down below, in the collapsed parking garage, Jack, Sharon and Nick all come to, coughing and trying to get their bearings. When they find each other they begin to devise a plan for their rescue/escape. Pointing to a nearby opening Nick says, “I think we should go this way.†“Are you crazy?!†Jack fires back. “That is a horrible idea. The exit is closer if we go this way.†“Oh yeah? How would you know where we are in relation to the exit? It’s a mess down here. The exit could be anywhere.†“Did you happen to see the sign when we came in? It says ‘Jackpot Casino’. I think I would know where the exits of my own casino are.†“Jack, my wife…†Nick says. “Your wife?!  â€Yes, my wife. Phyllis, remember her? Well I’m sure she doesn’t want to be made a widow again. So, I’m not about to go on some wild goose chase with you crawling around in the dark for hours on end. What, did you think I was referring to Sharon as my wife?

“Well, the thought had occurred to me.†“Guys, could we stay focused, please?†Sharon chimes in, wincing in pain. Jack and Nick help Sharon move toward what they believe is the best way out. “Look! Over there. I think I see some light.†Nick says and leaves the two to check it out. When he returns it’s not good news.

Driving on the highway to Clear Springs are Brad and Neil. “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m going to call Nikki,†Brad says. “Nikki, have you heard from Sharon? Has anyone heard from Sharon? No? Damn. I’m driving up there now with Neil. If you hear from Sharon, would you tell her to call me?†he hangs up. Neil gives him the evil eye. “Dude, could you be any more insensitive?†“What?†Brad says. “You call Nikki and only ask about Sharon? You know Nick could be caught down there too.†“God, not this again. Why can’t you and everyone else get off your high horses? Sharon and I had sex ONE time when we were both at a low point in our lives.†“Low point?!†Neil is incredulous, “Didn’t you just get married to Victoria? You’re calling being a newlywed a low point?†“Look, I don’t need you judging me.â€

Brad can feel his thighs twitch involuntarily as the urge to lock Neil in a vice-like grips comes over him.

“All I’m saying is you have to chill with the whole Sharon thing, okay? She’s married and she doesn’t need you messing up her life.†“Alright, that’s it.†Brad pulls the car over to the shoulder. “Get out.†“I’m not going anywhere, man. This is my car, remember? I asked you if you wanted to drive with me, not the other way around.†“Then why am I driving?†Brad asks. Neil shrugs, “That’s what I’ve been wondering.

We return to Clear Springs just in time to see Nick and Sharon being pulled out of the gaping hole on the side of what used to be Jackpot Casino. By this time Victor has arrived and he and Nikki hug their son in relief. “Where’s Jack?†Nikki wants to know. “The way we escaped could only be accessed by two people so we agreed that only the ones with the last name ‘Newman’ would be eligible to see the light of day again.†Nick explains. Nikki looks from him to Sharon with obvious confusion. “Oh. Well since I was once married to a Newman I got the chance to live and Jack decided to stay behind,†Sharon says. “Whatever. Do any of you know where Victoria might be? She’s not answering her cell.â€

“No,†Nick and Sharon answer in unison. Just then the Incident Commander approaches the group. “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Newman, I’m Robert, the Incident Commander.†The group learns nothing new from Robert about the cause of the explosion but they do discover that someone called 911 about a boy named Noah Newman being injured and trapped in the collapsed building. Naturally, everyone is heartsick, especially Nick who makes a mad dash for the building in an attempt to rescue his son. “Hey! You can’t go in there. It’s too dangerous.†Robert stops him. “I don’t care. My son is down there. I have to go get him.†“If you do. I’ll have you arrested.†Robert replies. This seems to calm Nick down somewhat. Nick walks over to Victor. “Dad, can’t you do something about this? Pull a few strings?†“Of course I can but I need to wait.†Victor replies softly. “Wait?! For what? Noah is down there, hurt, and we have no idea how much longer this building will hold or whether or not there’ll be another explosion.†“Exactly.†Victor says. “The longer I wait the better the likelihood of Jack’s casino falling into further ruin. The more damage done the more money he’ll put into repairing it; he’ll be filing for Chapter 11 when this is all over.†“I can’t believe you,†Nick says. “Where is the man that bought Victoria a baby naming book and said ‘family comes first’? Are you willing to piss all over that to get revenge on Jack Abbott? That’s crazy, Dad.†“Be that as it may, I’m always going to do what’s best for me, you got that?†Victor pushes him aside and walks away.

Nick refuses to give up and tries to get through to his father one more time. He has tears in his eyes. “Dad. Please. Just put your animosity aside for once. Think of your grandson and Victoria and the baby.†Victor sighs, “Arright m’boy, I’ll do as you ask but I have to wait for the right time. I can’t just go down there all willy nilly. It is imperative that I wait for the exact moment where I can summon all of my omnipresent powers and rush into the building in a dramatic fashion.†Just then, another explosion occurs. Several rescue team members who are lit on fire run screaming from the blast. Victor throws off his leather jacket and runs in very slow motion toward the burning building. He dives in head first into the chasm as stunned onlookers, assorted media and his family look on.

At the Genoa City Women’s State Prison we are in Phyllis and Jana’s cell. We see that they are watching a news broadcast on their own private television. The reporter who is live at the Clear Springs location disaster is heard saying, “That’s right Robin, Victor Newman, Genoa City’s notorious billionaire just dove through the hole where the explosion took place, presumably to save lives.†“But, isn’t that the job of the rescue team, Peter? Isn’t Mr. Newman putting himself at risk?†Robin, the anchor back at the station wonders.

“No, Robin. He’s not.†The reporter states. “This is not the first time Victor Newman has done something physically impossible for a man almost 70 years-old. Some say he has superhuman strength, others believe that he’s not even human.”

Incredible.†Robin says. “Oh my god! Robin, if you look behind me you will see that something is happening to the building. It seems to be about to explode again. It’s shaking and… holy shit! The building is floating in mid-air. It’s literally rising from the ground. Wait! Is that…? Robin, you and the folks at home are not going to believe this but, Victor Newman is lifting up the building from its foundation. People! Oh my god! People are now able to run out from underneath the structure.

“Jana, what are they saying?†Phyllis asks. She is on a phone that has been especially installed in their cell to accommodate her frequent need to contact friends and family. “That Victor Newman is holding up the casino.†Jana says. “What? He’s robbing it? But they’re not even open for business yet.†“No. He’s holding up the building, as in lifting it up with his bare hands!†“Well, they don’t call him ‘The Great Victor Newman’ for nothing.†Phyllis replies.

“Wow! I wish I had a father-in-law like that.†Jana quips enviously.†“Yeah, well it has its downsides, let me tell you. Damn. I can’t get through to Nick or anyone at Clear Springs.†Phyllis slams down the phone in frustration. “Maybe after Victor’s done saving lives he can unjam the phone lines.†Jana says. “Very funny,†Phyllis replies and picks up the receiver again.

Later, at the Newman Wing of Genoa City Memorial Hospital, Nick and Sharon have just been informed that their son’s operation has been successful. At that same moment, a comatose Victoria is being wheeled in on a gurney to be given medical attention. “Take care of my baby, doctor.†Nikki sobs as her daughter is being wheeled past. J.T., not being next of kin, hangs awkwardly on the fringes of the group looking pained. When the doctor comes to update the family all are stunned to hear that Victoria just won’t wake up. “How could this be?†Victor says. “Only a small piece of rock hit her on the cheek and her face is not even bruised.†“It appears that’s not the reason she’s in a coma. Are any of you familiar with this?†“That’s the engagement ring I gave Victoria.†J.T. offers. “We found this lodged in Ms. Newman’s skull. Apparently when she lost her balance and tumbled into the pile of rubble, the ring must have somehow fell off her finger, rolled with her and managed to pierce her cranium along the way.†“Oh no!†Nikki gasps. “Will she be alright?†“We’ll continue to monitor the situation, Mrs. Newman. Right now she and the baby are fine and that in and of itself is a reason to believe everything will turn out okay. And if she’s anything like her father she can walk away from this completely unscathed. Now, if you’ll excuse me.â€

“Dad,†Nick begins, “Can’t you do something about this—pull a few strings?†Nick sighs. “Not this time I’m afraid, m’boy,†Victor replies. My powers lie with physical strength. I’m not skilled in the black arts and that’s what one would need in a situation like this.†The mood turns gloomy amongst the Newman clan and all eyes turn to rest accusingly on J.T. “This is all your fault Hellstrom,†Nick spits. “If you hadn’t given Victoria that ugly ass ring she’d be awake right now.†“How was I supposed to know this would happen?†J.T. whimpers. “If my daughter doesn’t get through this you’ll have me to answer to, you got that? Now get the hell outta here before I throw you out!†J.T. scurries away and finds himself outside the hospital’s emergency entrance. Once there he pulls out one of the last cassette Walkmens left on planet earth and begins playing a song. The camera pulls away from his face to give us an aerial shot and then fades to black.


CBS

BEHIND THE BARREL: 

Victor is not human:

I know I’m not the only one that thinks this, which is why I used it as a recurring theme throughout the column. When I saw Victor take that oxygen tank and run into the collapsed building, I thought, “C’mon, is there nothing this guy can’t do?†Apparently not. Thanks to my friend Ted, for giving me the idea of Victor lifting up the building with his bare hands.

Brad sinks to a new low:

Man, I let Neil say it for me when he asked if being a newlywed was a low-point in one’s life. Scandalous. Just when I think Brad can’t get any more vile, he ups the ante. Instead of his eyes being damaged in the blast it should have been his weiner; this guy should not be allowed to procreate ever again.

Best cell in town:

Of course I had to use this opportunity to give Phyllis and Jana all the amenities they need to survive prison life and nothing is more coveted in prison than a phone and television, right? That’s when the idea hit me to have them watch the newscast of Victor “holding up†the building. Watching it through their eyes turned out be funnier than me setting up the scene on its own.

Victor’s connections:

I hope I live to see the day when the Newman family will have to solve their own problems without the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing Victor. This is why I decided to play up the idea of Nick asking his father to pull strings. Remember when Nick left the company to step out of daddy’s shadow? He has no problems falling in line now does he? Even though he talks a good game he’s no match for his father and never will be. When he told his father that he wasn’t going to let go of the fact that Victor had called in the loan on Nikki I had to laugh. Victor couldn’t care less. He never puts family before his own interests. I find it crazy that Nick and Victoria don’t get that yet. I know Nikki gets it though. Finally. After more than 20 years of marriage, the light bulb finally went off. Thank God.

My last name ain’t Newman:

Boy, did you get the feeling that anyone who wasn’t a Newman didn’t seem to matter during the rescue effort? I did. And that poor embezzling construction manager Joe Boddington did too. When they dug him up from beneath the rubble and discovered it wasn’t anyone they cared about it was like, “Oh. Who? Never heard of him. Toss him to the side and keep digging.â€


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