Y&R Recap: The Reliquary Express

They’ve done the impossible: stolen our hearts by creating a new supercouple to rival the mega popularity of Luke and Laura from All My Children.   The lackluster pairing of “Canber†is sure to win huge ratings with the 18-95 brain dead demographic. Dinner at Chez Canber had me on the edge of my ratty, second-hand sofa, squealing like an orgasmic mental patient when Amber got the name of the Aussie rugby team wrong. Later, I watched the electrifying pair exchange witty banter about whether or not Amber could resist receiving or sending text messages for an hour which, I surmised, ranked a close second to the excitement of screaming at my house plants.  As a precaution I’m always hooked up to my defibrillator machine should I have the misfortune of going into cardiac arrest from all the titillation.

Are they trying to portray Cane as the dumbest Australian to ever set foot on American soil?  I’m no rocket scientist but I’m almost certain that if you read a newspaper article about an immigration crackdown of illegal aliens working in restaurants, they are not going to have a mug shot of the immigration officer(s) plastered next to the story.  Yet Amber was able to recognize said officer instantly from the newspaper article?  Inconceivable, unless Homeland Security put a classified ad in the Genoa City Chronicle with the guy’s picture that read:

If Cane is deported it should be for being gullible and inappropriate.  Honestly, how does he get any work done when he spends all his time up in Amber’s bleached out face?  She gropes him, he leans over the bar to kiss her, darts behind the partition to secretly text message her and reappears seconds later with that insipid grin on his face.  I hope a meteor falls right on Indigo and blows them to kingdom come!

J.T. must be so relieved that Paul stepped in to help him with the heavy workload of the Chancellor case, and not a moment too soon.  It freed him up just in time to lose track of Korbel’s well-fed lover.  If only Colleen had been wearing her hideous raccoon coat that day.  He could have followed the trail of animal’s fur—shed from the garment—to where she’s being held captive. Never one to shy away from breaking and entering, I watched in amazement while he pawed his way through the professor’s studio apartment without gloves and was brazen enough to stand in the guy’s living room when he heard keys in the door as if he had every right to be there.  I wish Korbel would grow one and serve the dim-witted P.I. a knuckle sandwich or at the very least throw a dictionary at him.

So it is true, Colleen can’t be trusted to keep her mouth shut… or her legs for that matter.  I laughed gleefully when she sobbed to Jana that she thought Korbel loved her.  Oh, he loved her alright, but only at night… while she was on her back.  For a college sophomore her powers of deduction are quite weak.  Did she ever stop to wonder how Jana became privy to all this information about Korbel?  In other words, why would he kill a PR executive because she saw him with pictures of Newman artifacts?  Latham pelts me with her stupidity each week and yet still I tune in for more.

There’s something about Jana, and it isn’t her frowsy body odor from wearing the same velvet blouse for the past week.  Everyone’s speculating that she’s working with the Nazis, but how is the little minx connected, I wonder?  One thing’s for sure, she’s a hell of an actress.  She would have to be to take up with the likes of Kevin Fisher, the most despised coffee mogul in Genoa City and yet the most patronized.  And since he is the boss of Crimson Lights he ought to reserve the right to refuse service to anyone that slithers up to the counter.  Therefore, if he’s so convinced Korbel snatched his precious Jana, then why not put a picture of him by the espresso machine with a caption that reads, “Do Not Serve This Killer�  Surly one less customer guzzling his overpriced beverages will not hurt the bottom line.

Is Genoa City’s finest investigating the crime-infested parking garages of this metropolis?  If not, they should.  I’ve never seen such treacherous territory being navigated.  Abductions, paranormal sightings, car damage, and stalking are just a few of the unsavory activities that one might encounter in this underbelly of vehicular housing.  I was surprised that Brad would choose there of all venues as a “safe place†to tell Sharon that he was going to Czech Republic. As usual, Sharon let her aching loins do the talking and agreed to meet privately with him. How predictable that Victoria would catch them in the act.  AGAIN. Sheesh!  Obviously Sharon will stop at nothing until everyone in the Newman clan hates all 206 bones in her slutty body.

All aboard for the Reliquary Express.  Next stop: Kutna Hora! Stand clear of the closing doors please.  I’ve been reading all the message boards and I have to agree that Brad Carlton’s past is starting to look a lot like a “poor man’s Da Vinci Codeâ€.  How Latham and her team are sleeping at night while this blatant disregard for copyright infringement goes unpunished is beyond all realm of understanding.  But if they are going to rip pages from Mr. Brown’s controversial book and paste them into the Y&R script I do hope it means we are due for summer blockbuster worthy action sequences, pyrotechnic special effects and CGI fighter jets wiping the earth’s surface clean of any Nazi scum who dared utter the word Grudgon Reliquary.  Grave digging, though, doesn’t strike me as Victor’s forte—having just about two legs and almost half his torso in the grave himself. I keep my fingers crossed that Thighmaster will once again make an appearance.  Won’t Victor be surprised to see Brad in action?   He might even gain a new appreciation for the lying weasel.