Dear Captain Obvious: After cheating on my ex-wife repeatedly then dropping her like a hot potato from my life, I think it’s fair to say I’ve put her through a lot. I’d like to think we’ve moved passed that, however, since we are business partners after all, but sometimes I wonder if there are still hard feelings. Her husband, also my business partner, happens to be a raging egomaniac and doesn’t know the first thing about teamwork. His latest transgression had me going to her in secret to propose an alliance against him. She refused. I don’t get it. Confused.
Dear Confused: Really? Let me help clear things up. Fathead (you), treats ex-wife wife like used toilet paper and shames her in front of friends and family. Bozo (you again), then has the gall to ask her to take your side, the same side that shit all over her and your marriage. Hhmm, doesn’t seem too complicated to me, but if you’re still having trouble, I’d be more than happy to draw crude stick figures to illustrate your idiocy.
Dear Captain Obvious: We’re moving! Praise be to the gods. No more stinky horse doo doo burning my nose hairs. No more hay instead of carpeting, no more ticks jumping around in my crib and no more sugar cubes and carrot sticks for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My older brother will be so relieved when he comes home from camp. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last! Tacky No More.
Dear Tacky: Try not to get too excited, little one. This town is notorious for real estate shortages, which is why rich folk live in apartments, pool houses and hotel rooms instead of the mansions befitting their bank accounts.
Lily Ashby
Dear Captain Obvious: Since hooking up with my boyfriend last year we’ve had everything BUT the kitchen sink thrown at us: the 15 year age difference between us, my father thinking he was all wrong for me, me getting knocked up the first time we had sex, me losing the baby and now a crazy bitch is claiming she’s pregnant for him which she says is the result of a drunken one night stand. My boyfriend claims he doesn’t remember having sex with her and says the girl is lying, but I’m beginning to have doubts. His sperm is pretty strong, I mean, it got me pregnant on the first try even though we used a condom. Who’s to say his swimmers didn’t jump out of his pants and crawl up the girl’s leg while they were standing next to each other? Any way I’m totally bummed because we just moved into a house with grotesque brick walls and a GINORMOUS bathroom and I can’t even get to enjoy it because of all this drama. Vex-girlfriend.
Dear Vex: Let me just tell you right off the bat that dramaphobes don’t fare well in this town so either deal or move the hell on, sweet cheeks. While I don’t disagree that your problems have been coming at a fast and furious pace, they are by no means insurmountable. So take a deep breath and read these following instructions very carefully:
How To Perform An Exorcism
- First locate the demonic girl making sure to corner her in a well-lit area.
- Look her square in the eye, make the sign of the cross and douse her generously with holy water (note: this might cause her skin to burn, pay no attention to her blood curdling screams).
- Now that you’ve got her attention, and whatever being is forcing her to degrade herself in this pathetic manner, clear your throat and order the evil presence to leave her. If her head spins you know it’s working. Good luck!
Kevin Fisher
Dear Captain Obvious: I am the sole proprietor of a mega-successful coffee shop here in town and for the past week I’ve noticed that a certain orange-tinged private detective has taken up residence on the back patio of my establishment. Each day, without fail, he sets up shop and before long the papers begin to pile up, his laptop is cracked open and his metallic briefcase catches the sunlight and casts a blinding glare on all who look in that general direction. More than once I’ve spilled hot coffee on my patrons while attempting to shield my eyes. I’m really begining to lose patience. Should I charge him rent? FedUp.
Dear FedUp: Yeah, sounds inconvenient. While getting money to compensate for being put out sounds good in theory it might play out differently in practice—think about it, if he had the money to pay rent do you think he’d be running a successful investigation business out of a coffee shop? Perhaps he needs your pity more than your wrath? Next week when he shows up bake him a cake laced with cyanide. Be his angel of mercy by putting him out of his miserable existence.
Jill Abbott
Dear Captain Obvious: My old biddy of a mother has gone too far this time! Rather than appoint credentialed leadership to run a subsidiary of our family-owned business she chooses a drunk and a compulsive gambler, the latter of which is about to become a public relations nightmare for a company that is always teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. I’m up to my eyeballs in preemptive action. If only I could get the old hag to retire from the day-to-day operations. Any tips? Daughter Knows Best.
Dear Daughter Knows: I’m with you on that one. Old people have no business doing anything except wait for the sweet release of death. Clearly something needs to be done, but what? I know! Tell her you love her. You’re so hateful and she’d never see it coming. It could give her the near-fatal hear attack you’ve been praying for. Once she’s bed-ridden and clinging stubbornly to life have her declared incompetent and take over. She’ll get some much-needed rest and you can be free to run the company into the ground. Everyone wins!
Victor Newman
Dear Captain Obvious: I’m a complete fool for suspense. It’s true! Whenever there’s a moment where I can delay the inevitable, I mean really drag it out so that I put people in danger, I never miss a chance. This is why I told two detectives investigating my ex-wife’s husband to hold off telling her about our suspicions that he might be a killer till the very last minute. Why avoid the thrill when you can hold out for as long as possible and pee your pants in horror, I always say. Puppet Master.
Dear Puppet Master: You know what I always say? If you dick around with life sometimes it dicks around with you. So keep pushing it. I have a feeling your number going to up real soon.
Originally published: Jul-26-2008
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