Dear Captain Obvious: I am the daughter of an arrogant, blowhard billionaire who has a weakness for marrying losers. I’m in the process of divorcing my second husband and just found out that I’m pregnant. The father could either be my ex or a friend of mine I’ve been having revenge sex with. Even though I have more money than I know what to do with, it never occurred to me to stop by a local pharmacy and buy a condom to use with my new partner. Besides, I figured, why bother since rich people like me never have to worry about AIDS and all that other icky stuff. Do I tell the potential fathers now or pretend that nothing is happening? Pregnant Pause.
Dear Pause: Two words: Maury Povich. Book an appearance on the show with the kid’s two possible baby daddies and have a paternity test done. It’s free and provides loads of entertainment for people watching from home. Good luck!
Dear Captain Obvious: I am evil incarnate. I sleep with married men. I lie. I cheat… I even broke a man’s penis once when I tried to run him and his wife over when they were on vacation. My husband just died and my son is a pervert. My latest misdeed has me facing jail-time for extortion. How can I get out of this mess? Bad Girl.
Dear Bad: As you read this get up and walk to the nearest window (make sure that window is at least 7 stories up). Open the window and hurl your self-out. Feel better? Good.
Dear Captain Obvious: I’m running for state senate in the next election and will stop at nothing to get that seat. My political ambitions have alienated me from my husband and daughter, the latter of which denies me the opportunity to further use her as a pawn in my bid for senator. How can I get the little bitch to change her mind? Power Hungry.
Dear Hungry: Make a grand gesture to your daughter by pretending to actually be a mother to her for a day. Call her up and ask how she’s feeling, for instance. Studies show that spending some one-on-one time with offspring may result in them forming an attachment to you, so take a leap of faith and insist that the two of you do something together like shopping or visiting a nail salon. Steer clear of all shoptalk while you are with her. Get her to relax and open up to you, then when she least expects it, tell her you love her and try your best to be sincere. No doubt you will catch her off guard. Knock her unconscious and take her to a witch doctor, which, for a fair price, can turn her into a mindless puppet, eager to do your bidding.
Dear Captain Obvious: My wife caught me looking at porn and found a picture of a woman’s boobs on my phone. I have never actually cheated on her but because of my weasel-like behavior she doesn’t trust me. Now she wants me to see a therapist. Do I go or stand my ground and kiss my marriage goodbye? Porny.
Dear Porny: Your stupidity staggers the imagination. Dude, if you leave boobs out where your wife can see them of course you will have some ‘splainin’ to do. This is a good time to ask yourself if you really want to be married in the first place. Though being tied down to one woman for the rest of your life can seem a bone chilling prospect, a life spent gawking at porn stars that could care less who you are, as long as you keep buying their videos, is no walk in the park either. Just think, how will you respond at your next family gathering when grandma asks whom you’re dating and you tell her, Janet JackMe. Not so cute, is it?
Dear Captain Obvious: Pop open a bottle of bubbly. I’ve just managed to toss yet another woman unto an already heaping pile of ex-wives! Normally I would be out celebrating with the woman who helped make it all possible—my mistress, but she just got married and has a funny little notion in her head that it’s actually going to last. No matter, I have time on my hands and if it takes longer than I expect I can kill him with relative ease. Another wrinkle in this otherwise wonderful week is that my fake daughter just flew in for a visit and I have the unpleasant task of telling her that her father just got divorced. Again. Oh, I almost forgot. I may go to prison for perjury. Any tips on softening the blow for my little one? Sleazebag Of The Year.
Dear Sleaze: Congratulations. No doubt perpetuating the break down of the nuclear family by maintaining a broken home is a cause near and dear to your heart. Try telling your child the great news by using colorful hand puppets, this will add a bit of much needed levity and excitement to the concept of divorce. If she doesn’t take the news well, don’t worry. She’s not your daughter anyway.
Originally published: Jun-9-2007
