Dear Captain Obvious: So I was hanging out in the break room at my workplace, minding my own god damn business, when out of nowhere my boyfriend walks in (we work together) and tells me his daughter is pregnant. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal except she’s only twenty years old, still in college, unmarried and her father is completely obsessed with her. I braced myself for the worst and gave him a sympathetic ear and sexy shoulder to lean on and though I knew it would be a long next couple of days until she decided if she wanted to keep the baby or not nothing prepared me for my man asking me to help him raise his daughter’s kid! I moved in with him recently and this is not how I wanted to get closer. I am a fine, smart, talented woman who makes a mean pot of chicken adobo and this guy thinks he can make a grandmother out of me when I ain’t got no ring on my finger?! WTF! I told him I wanted no part of his drama and walked out. Well, it’s been a while since I left and he hasn’t called and now I’m wondering if I did the right thing. It’s not easy to find a good man in this town. Should I reconsider? Oh, No He Didn’t!
Dear Oh No: You had me at “adobo” but lost me at “reconsider”. Is your sexiness matched in equal amounts to your spinelessness? Stop letting your fear of not having sex for a few months cloud your thinking. I can assure you that when this man proposed…er grandmawage, what he really meant was that you deal with the brat and he’ll carry on as normal. Run, don’t walk to the nearest realtor and move the hell out of there!
Dear Captain Obvious: I just found out that my best friend is sleeping with my father and I’ve been literally sick to my stomach ever since. My dad is almost seventy and my best friend is in her thirties. I know this happens everyday but when it’s your friend and your dad the creep ‘o’ meter goes off the charts. It’s times like these I wish I never woke up from my three month-long coma. It’s been a never-ending poo-poo storm of calamity since my eye’s fluttered open. Why Me?
Dear Why Me: Awww, poor, poor daddy’s girl has it rough, huh? How could daddy and bestest friend betray you in that sick, dirty way? It makes you want to shoot fireballs out of your eyes and burn them up, right? I know, I know, the universe is always conspiring to make your life sooooo very uncomfortable. When are you going to catch a break? I have a nice bridge for you to jump off of if it’s too hard for you. Call me so I can tell you where it’s located.
Dear Captain Obvious: I’m grinning like a shot fox ever since my Sheila told me we’ve got an ankle biter on the way. There’s one little problem though: her old bloke wants her to move in with him so that he can help her raise the baby when she goes back to Uni. Pig’s arse! I know when he looks at me he sees some low-life Bushie who got his daughter pregnant—it’s not my fault the franger broke! Anyway I’m going to propose. It would be a beaut if she says, yes. How can I get daddy to rack off? G’day.
Dear G’day: Get used to the idea that daddy won’t be racking off anytime soon. You got his precious little angel with child, idiot. Do you have any idea how many different ways he’s going to dream of making your life a living hell? Hope you brought your umbrella, son, I see nothing but shit clouds overhead.
Dear Captain Obvious: My fiancé left down for days on a supposed family emergency with nary a phone call, email or carrier pigeon to me the entire time he was gone. When he returned to town he gave me some lame excuse about not having phone reception at the hospital where his uncle was having a medical emergency. I decided not to press him at the time but I can’t shake this nagging feeling that he’s lying to me. P.S. He has a gambling addiction that he hid from me for months. Call his bluff?
Dear Bluff: You said yourself his excuse was lame. If you’re looking for answers hire a private investigator. As I recall there’s only one in this town so the sooner you call him the quicker you can get to the truth. On the other hand if you’re looking for someone to confirm what you already know, go to the Grand Canyon—they have a great echo there.
Dear Captain Obvious: God, my life is so hollow! I’m in my 50’s and live with my mother in a sprawling mansion. I have no real friends, no life outside of work and never venture out unless it’s with my mother or my grown son. I’m so tightly wound. I’m sure a good, strong poking could remedy the problem except I can’t find anyone to poke; all the men my age seem to be in love with this rich widow who works for me. So, with my insides growing more shriveled by the day, I resort to spending my free moments trying to find out the secrets of her success (or lack thereof). What’s a girl to do to get some action around here, short of hiring a gardener or handyman? Help Wanted.
Dear Help: My wench complains daily about drying up too, and I’ll tell you the same thing I tell her: If life gives you lemons make lemonade, now leave me the hell alone, can’t you see I’m writing?
Dear Captain Obvious: My husband’s half-brother has been flirting with me ever since he moved here a few months back. It got to the point where it became really awkward for me so I mentioned it to my husband. This made my husband forbid him to talk to me for business reasons or otherwise. I’m not surprised that my beauty and all around hotness has caused yet another man to fall in love with me but I draw the line when I’m not allowed to bask in the glow of their adoration. Fit And Know It.
Dear Fit: Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who is tired of sleeping with her. Need I say more?
Dear Captain Obvious: I’m a self-made man who’s been known to double cross and back stab my most beloved family members all in the name of protecting my legacy. Never mind the fact that I don’t need the money—I’m a billionaire after all. I just really relish being an ass; it makes life so much more fulfilling. Needless to say my kids and ex-wife can’t stand me right now, and you know what? I could care less; it’s all about me, me, me, and me. Daddy Dearest.
Dear Daddy Dearest: Excellent work! You’re almost ready to die completely and utterly alone, unloved by everyone except maybe your lawyer who’ll have his hands full with lawsuits when your family contests the will. Sadly, I know that only the good die young so a jerk like you has many, many more people to piss off yet. Good luck with everything.
Originally published: Apr-19-2008
