Dear Captain Obvious: I’ve been having a shit week. Scratch that. A shit two years ever since the day I woke up from a coma and popped back into town only to see that my man and family members had all moved merrily along without me. Anyway, that’s not why I’m writing. My real problem is that my beautiful, sweet baby girl just became engaged to a two-faced son of a bitch. I would rather die than see my daughter marry that ant so I need to find a way to stop the wedding. My damn peacemaking husband is of no help so i’ve joined forces with my daughter’s grandfather (even though he was responsible for switching out my husband for a doppelgänger and I had no idea for months!). I hate him so much, but I love my daughter more than I hate him so the end justifies the means. Not ready for the bride.
Dear Not Ready: I can absolutely guarantee you that when it comes to controlling your adult children it is NOT recommended that you interfere with any of their idiotic plans to burn their lives to the ground. Can’t you see that this will only rob you of the sweet satisfaction of saying ‘I told you so!’ later? Think, woman. Think! Now you make me wish I had some brats of my own to remind that their life decisions suck and that they’re wrong and i’m right about everything. Ahhh…missed opportunities.
Dear Captain Obvious: Amazing news! My ex-wife is back in town after a two-year stint in a mental health facility. She is looking damn good and something about the way she dumped me and cut me completely out of her life like a corn on her big toe convinced me that, yes, this is the PERFECT time to make our dried up love new again. Here’s what i’ve done so far to make that happen: I took up running to increase my stamina so when she runs away from me I won’t get so winded. I’ve also asked my best friend who works at her job to club her over the head with hints and innuendo about our past relationship and what a great catch I am. Have I left anything out? What else can I do to show my blind devotion? Second time around.
Dear Second Time: I agree with all your pushy tactics so far. Sometimes when people don’t want to accept what’s good for them you have to take their head and push their faces right up into that good thing. Yell at them. Tell them you’re doing it not because you want to make them miserable, but because you know what’s better for them than they do. They’ll thank you for it in the end so don’t be discouraged when you’re slapped with a restraining order. That’s just their way of telling you they need a little more convincing.
Dear Captain Obvious: Usually my bullshit detector is pretty on point, except when it comes to women who lie to me about being the father of their children, then it fails me 100 percent. What can I say, I have a weakness for babies. This week, however my bullshit needle started going crazy while I was investigating a closed case. I happened to visit my client’s home only to discover that a woman with a huge acts to grind is now living with them. I demanded an explanation. ‘Why would you want to live here if you hate my client and nearly killed him with your car almost a year ago?” I asked. She claimed to be in a better place, healed and over her anger at my client. My bullshit needle exploded into a thousand pieces. Now I have to get a new one and find out what this weirdo is up to. I think she’s the reason my client is serving time for a a crime he didn’t commit. Problem is, i’m not even supposed to be on this case. How do I keep my job AND my client happy? No bullshit allowed.
Dear No Bullshit: Oh, this is an easy one. There is a pubic park in town that everyone has to walk through to get to wherever their going; Chancellor Park is the name I believe. Find yourself an empty bench, sit around and wait for this two-headed snake to slither through. Don’t fret. She will…eventually. When she does, observe if she does anything suspicious. Bring along something to read and a sack lunch and make this a part of your daily routine until you observe her incriminates herself. Happy sleuthing!
Dear Captain Obvious: One thing people in this town know about me is that I am not a rule breaker and I insist on working within the system to nail criminals. Sure, my method hasn’t been the most effective; I rarely solve cases this way, but i’m a man of principle and integrity, dammit! You gotta have a code. So when my son broke the code I had no choice but to suspend him from the police force, but at the same time utilizing hard-earned taxpayer dollars to fund his forced vacation. Do you think he’ll learn his lesson? Plays by the rules.
Dear Plays: Your fathering skills are as sharp as elbows my friend. The last thing a kid needs is to get any cockamamie ideas in their heads that exercising autonomy and helping others is a good thing. Can you imagine the type of world we’ll have if people question authority and challenge the system? I shudder at the thought. Ha! Psych. No, I don’t. I’m actually shuddering at the thought of what a shitty, unsupportive father you are. Let me guess, your the absentee type, am I right?
Dear Captain Obvious:- Since marrying, divorcing, marrying, divorcing, remarrying and redivorcing my now very ex-husband, I actually allowed a little worm of an idea to borrow a hole into my heart today. What if I we were to reconcile? I’m not dating anyone right now and I wouldn’t mind the little tasers of excitement his deceit and emotional abuse wrought in my life. Why not, right? A lot of our friends and family think we’re destined to be together and now that we work for the same company it would make our little circle of torture so complete. Aching for more?
Dear Aching: Salivating for more agony and punishment with this man is your body’s way of telling you that you are demented and should seek treatment. I’ve sent a list of physicians at Fairview who are taking new patients. Call them, posthaste.