Dear Captain Obvious: How can I put this? I’m a man who lets his loins do the talking. Does that make me a douche? Possibly. But, I refuse to live a life where I’m not constantly quenching my selfish desires. In keeping with this repulsive life goal and having finally, FINALLY tolerated my wife’s boozy, unhinged antics long enough, I’ve decided to untie her and let her graze on my divorce settlement pasture to the tune of a cool $50 million. Listen, I’m filthy rich so it’s not like it will hurt me. I’ll tell you what will though: not being able to convince my sister-in-law (with whom I had a brief affair) that we are meant to be together. How can I get her to see things my way? Douche In Heat.
Dear Douche: Have you tried upping the ante in the romance department? Since you are a man of means I would advise using a grand gesture of some sort to slowly chip away at this woman’s resolve to stick to her moral code. If she’s hesitant about a relationship with you out of loyalty to her sister why not try cloning yourself and gifting it to your wife as part of the divorce settlement package? Convincing the two to become Sister Wives is also an option since the sister part is already taken care of. Best of luck with everything.
Dear Captain Obvious: These past few months have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I’ve endured a potent cocktail of pregnancy hormones, secrets, lies and the worse kind of betrayal a mother can commit against the father of her child. Then karma came along and gave me a kick in the teeth; My husband (not my son’s father but his grandfather) told me he wanted a divorce—apparently he doesn’t have a ball sack heavy enough to own up to his mistakes and deal with them. As you might expect I’m practically deflated from all this upset. So I’ve decided to take some time to heal myself by yanking my kid from his father (again) and seeking refuge at my mother’s house damn near three thousand miles away. I told my son’s father not to put his penis on hold since I didn’t have an idea on a return date. Secretly though, I hope the opposite will happen and he will wait, with bated breath for the day that I return to the homestead. Do you think my reverse psychology will work? Playing Innocent.
Dear Playing Innocent: Well, bon-voyage to you and your little idiotic scheme. While it can be true that absence makes the heart grow fonder it can also make the heart grow colder. Don’t you know how fickle the heart can be? One day you’re married and the next? DIVORCE! Sound familiar? If there is any part of you that wants your son’s father in the biblical sense, then for pete’s sake just go on ahead and jump into his bed. If you’re worried about decorum and propriety, don’t. No one else in this town gives it a second thought and neither should you. I would also suggest that if there is any healing to be done it must take place in the cleansing waters of Lake Minnetonka. The late, great Prince once extolled its purifying qualities to Apollonia so it must be true.
Dear Captain Obvious: To say that I’m an absolute fool for love would be putting things in the mildest way possible. I happen to believe that when you find that special someone you have to do all you can to keep them in your life. Take my ex-wife for example. She pushed me off a cliff because I was a threat to her new relationship. Did my love for her wash away? Nope. As a matter of fact the love tide only grew stronger and the current belched me back into her orbit more determined than ever to win back her affection. How do I get her fired up for me again? She’s dating someone else, but I’m the one she needs. I understand her crazy like no one else ever will. Crazy Stupid Love.
Dear Crazy Stupid: They say your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about die, is it true? Did you see the pathetic fragments of your useless existence dart across your minds eye while you were airborne? Get back to me on that will you? As for your campaign for a life steeped in indignity why not try turning yourself into a footstool? Everyone needs a handy piece of furniture to place his or her weary feet upon at the end of the day. There’s also the added bonus of being the fixture in her life you dream of becoming. Try not to be too obvious about your end goal though, the key to this plan working is you have to be strong AND silent. Show her the perverted depths you’re willing to sink to. Literally.
Dear Captain Obvious: This week I announced to my family that I intend to re-hire a woman whose crackbrained shenanigans has done nothing but rain down stress and trauma on all our lives. Simply put: I want her in my family business as well as between my sheets. They are putting up quite the resistance, but they are no match for the boy in my pants. Third Leg Standing.
Dear Third Leg: Good for you! I can’t think of a single instance in history where a man’s tendency to allow his manhood to lead the way resulted in anything other than success.
*cough* Helen of Troy
*cough, cough* David and Goliath
Dear Captain Obvious: I am the beautiful love child of a man so heartless, that when he goes to church the bells chime as a warning to the congregation. He’s resented my conception and my existence for years, but out of some warped sense of obligation decided to raise me alongside my half-sisters as the “daughter†of a family friend. When I decided to expose his lying ass for creating me outside his marriage his hatred for me tripled in size and now he wants to banish me from LA where we all recently relocated to. Should I go or should I stay? Jan Snow
Dear Jan: Ohhh, the illegitimate seeds men sow. I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time with your ass clown of a father. No doubt his lack of love and validation has left a gaping hole where your heart ought to be. Don’t you dare succumb to his threats and bullying. The next time he drops by to oppress you, give him a swift punch in the gut, make sure to close your fist and aim upward to knock that hot air out of him. Sounds like he’s full of it.
