At the front desk of the Beverly Palm Hotel, Snow Queen is checking in herself, Billy Goat and Juliet. As she hands over everyone’s key cards she makes sure to compliment Goat one last time on his skillful execution of the commercial logistics. Snow Queen wants to be absolutely sure she hits every action item on her “Get Billy Back List”, with complimenting Goat ad nauseam being at the very top. As they walk toward the elevators Billy rapidly fires off all the things that still need to be accomplished before shooting begins. Snow Queen chimes in that they should work in some R&R too, but her idea is quickly rejected. Goat is all about his “bizness” right now. ‘Oh, how the tables have turned’, Victoria says to herself, hoping that she didn’t remove the rod from her butt for no reason.
At the Skyline Lounge Lily, Cane and Jordan are checking out the view from the hotel rooftop. Lily loses her shit when she notices a Dare billboard with her image on top of a nearby building. “It’s meeeeeeeeeee!” she squeals. Oh, great. Just what we need—two Lilys. Cane attempts to match her excitement and pulls her in for a hug while eyeing Goat across the roof deck. Cane fantasizes about shoving Goat to his death and listening to the sweet sounds of his panicked bleating moments before splattering all over the pavement. He smiles smugly at the thought.
While Jordon dangerously inflates Lily’s ego by taking pictures of her with the billboard in the backdrop the rest of the B&S team meet in the hotel lounge downstairs with Callie Weston, the hot movie producer we’ve been hearing so much about. After they wrap Cane begins to lay the groundwork for his evil plan by offering to organize the behind-the-scenes footage for the website. He does a good job of sounding like a team player because before you know it there’s a unanimous decision to let him take the lead.
Wanting to take full advantage of the L.A. sunshine B&S make their way back to the roof deck where Billy and Juliet talk more shoot details. After she leaves Snow Queen plops down next to Goat. He says he’s sorry for being the fun police earlier. ‘Oh, no. No need to apologize. It’s nice that you’re being the serious, uptight one for a change.’ Snow Queen says grinning as wide as she can while mentally checking off ‘Be More agreeable with Billy’ off her list. After Goat shows her his airtight schedule for the next few days. Snow Queen suggests he take some time to graze to keep his strength up, he reluctantly agrees and she goes off to reserve a table.
Not long afterward, a dark menacing cloud rolls over the Beverly Palm briefly blotting out the sun. That’s strange… I wonder what could be…oh wait…never mind, you guys. It’s just Hilary.
As you can imagine Lily is not happy with this new arrival and walks over to Hilary demanding to know why she flew to Los Angeles to breathe the same air as her. Hilary tells her to shut the f*ck up. ‘I’m here to work on my show and interview celebrities.’ Eyeing her suspiciously Lily warns her arch nemesis to stay on her side of the sandbox ‘Don’t step anywhere near me or my commercial. Got it?’ Or what Lily, or what? Lily reminds me of a Chihuahua–it’s always the little ones that talk the most shit.
Meanwhile, off to the side finishing up a phone call, we hear Cane tell the director he just hired to focus ALL of his attention on Goat, “I need you to shadow Billy Abbott”, Cane says. Shadow him?! Okaaaaaay… What’s Cane planning to do with hundreds of video footage hours worth of Billy walking around in casual suits and white sneakers? Hhhmmm…the plot thickens.
Back over to Billy, who is finally alone, we see him making a phone call to Firecrotch. After they chit chat about what he’s been up to, Snow Queen practically runs up behind him to say really loudly that she got them a table with a really fantastic view, which is bullshit because they’re on the roof, the entire view is fantastic, bitch. Nevertheless her plan to make Firecrotch feel insecure works like a charm as Goat abruptly ends the convo to go grazing. Snow Queen believes she’s won this round, but she has no idea what’s coming next. Ha!
At Jabot we next see Firecrotch entering Jack’s office but Ashley is the one sitting at his desk. Ashley thanks her for coming and says she heard the terrible news that she and her brother were trying to be happy. ‘There’ll be none of that here you sorry excuse for a woman who seeks love and fulfilling relationships. The two women go back and forth about the viability of a relationship propped up by the decayed bones of betrayal and infidelity. Ashely tells her ex sister-in-law she doubts it will be a success. Firecrotch replies that another thing that won’t be successful is Ashley affording herself real human emotions with a man if she refuses to stop being a tight ass with Ravi. Don’t save her. She doesn’t want to be saved.
Back in the town of mildly interesting, Noah stops by the Newman Ranch main house to check up on his new little street urchin friend, Tessa. Nikki says Tessa must still be in a deep slumber because she didn’t come down for breakfast. Noah tells Nikki about the douchebag that Tessa had to knee in the nuts, the night before. They compete to see who is more concerned until finally Tessa makes an appearance.
Nikki fusses over her about not eating and goes off to order the cook to whip up a 5-star Michelin breakfast. While they’re alone Noah tells Tessa he was worried about her and left multiple messages. When Tessa checks her phone she’s blown away by the 72 missed calls in her log. Noah! WTF?!
Noah’s keen sense of sniffing out women with a mysterious and troubled past is telling him Tessa may very well be just his type of gal. He decides to step up his game and asks her out. She says, ‘Well I have nothing else better to do so…’
Ugh! Do I HAVE to talk about the Hamilton-Winters’ Mergeron acquisition? They’re so booooorrrring. Alright. FINE!
Devon and Michael are at Devon’s penthouse hammering out the details about the Mergeron acquisition. As it turns out Madam M. is living up to her ruthless business reputation by adding a board seat into her sale paperwork. Neil isn’t the surprised. Devon doesn’t know what the hell is going on so he just says it shouldn’t be an issue even though Michael warns this may come with additional constraints. They talk about this deal being the beginning of forming a family dynasty and I’m like, well ONLY if you remarry Hilary. There’s your Alexis Carrington right there, baby!
At long last the meeting draws to a merciful close. As Devon walks his dad and Michael to the door the doorbell rings. Oh, no! It’s the World’s Most Boring Human. Quick! Shut the door Devon, before the empty chasm of Abby’s bottomless soul engulfs you! Needless to say Devon ignores my warning and invites Abby to take a seat. Talk turns to Dina. ‘What’s she like?’ Boring Human wants to know.
I nod off to sleep like…
Next on Thursday’s The Young and the Useless…
Gloria tells us Jack hasn’t been in her bed in weeks. No wonder he’s been more antsy than usual.
The Bug demands to know what Scott is doing with Sharon. Scott tells her stop bugging him.
Firecrotch arrives at the Beverly Palm. Does she have a reservation? Of course not.
