Ouch! It burns! The question, that is. Pa always told me that curiosity killed the cat but I know that can’t be right since Fluffy went missing after the big storm and our neighbor, Jethro, brought back her bits and pieces in a newspaper and told us his dogs must have got to her. Anyway, that never stopped me from being curious so that’s why I can’t help but wonder:
Can Sharon Be Rescued From The Ravages Of Whoredom?
Are there any vacant warehouses available? I would love to rent one to keep Sharon captive. Once I’ve got her right where I want her I would force-feed her ginormous servings of humble pie 24/7. When she would beg, “Please! No more.” I would laugh maniacally and order her to write “I’m a big blonde hypocritical bimbo” five thousand times on the blackboard installed in her cell. I truly enjoyed Phyllis ripping Sharon a new one and her sticking it to Brad only doubled my enchantment. This smug, disgusting pair have had it coming for many months and I just know more good times are down the road.
Who else thought “boring” when Sharon listed “easy”, “comfortable” and “feels right” as the reasons her relationship with Jack lasted this long? Yet Jack chooses to follow-up the fireworks marriage he had with Phyllis with someone possessing all the spark and excitement of a night light? Color me confused. What’s really creepy is the thought that Jack is going to marry his step-son’s ex-wife to then become the step-father of his step-son’s son. Ewwww. I’m left with a vaguely dirty feeling. Pardon me while I wash.
Is Ji Min Finally Tired of Being Crushed under Jack’s Boot Heel?
Backed into a corner and not going to take it anymore? I freakin’ hope so, Ji Min. I hope you had the good sense to put some kind of clause in your contract with Jack that states you are the real owner of Jabot Cosmetics. Quite frankly, I’m very embarrassed for you. You showed a flicker of annoyance after your boss gave you a good panty whipping in the Athletic Club lobby (oh, by the way, Gina should do her patrons a service and mount a sign in there that reads: Eavesdropping zone. Your bombshells may be subject to blackmail). So make sure you do something about it this time, okay Ji Min? It’s getting to be re-goddamn-diculous.
Has Neil Winters Finally Gotten His Long Overdue Bone?
After many years of bending and scraping beneath the Newman table, Neil finally managed to catch a few falling crumbs from Victor’s plate. For a minute there I thought Victor was going to offer the brownnoser another private jet but I guess he had me fooled. I’m sure Neil went home the night after celebrating at Indigo not believing his good fortune. If he thinks, though, that that seat will afford him more influence with what goes on at Newman he’s kidding himself. You’re still a Yes Man, Neil, but with better stock options.
Will Zapato Be the Next Newman “Bored” Member?
It was another quiet evening at the Newman Ranch for Zapato. An exhausting day at the office had left him completely famished so he was anxious to see what his Man-Servant, Miguel, prepared for dinner—escargot with penne pasta and white wine sauce perhaps? As he grabbed the business section of the Genoa City Chronicle and prepared to settle himself in front of a roaring fire he couldn’t help but recall the screaming match Nikki had with his beloved master. If he told Victor once, he’s told him a hundred times: don’t mix bitches with business. He could only hope that this time his barks did not fall on deaf ears.
After all the degradation and aggravation I never thought I’d live to see the day when Nikki Newman ranked lower in her marriage than the family dog. Victor dissed her big-time and although initial responses registered her anger to unchartered levels, I quickly saw how Victor continues to spit in her face and get away with it. She spent exactly twenty minutes fuming about the horror of it all before grabbing her coat and rushing to Vic’s side at Indigo. It wouldn’t surprise me if the geezer wiped his feet on her back before climbing into bed every night.
What Will The Newman-Carlton Baby Be Made Of?
You won’t get much insight or blistering social commentary from the Newman dinner table. That’s why I wasn’t shocked when the hot topic of conversation turned to which character traits Victoria and Brad’s baby would have. That’s easy. It will be one part gardener and three parts bitchy self-righteousness. If it’s a boy, he’ll inherit his dad’s hairless chest and Carlton charm (or is it Kaplan charm?). He will have thighs that double as lethal weapons and a penchant for being a filthy, lying weasel. Since he’ll be half Newman, he won’t have to worry about sleeping his way to the top like his father, no siree. His position in the company is already guaranteed thanks to the Newman endorsed Mailroom to Executive Fastrack program. If it’s a girl, she’ll have mommy wrapped around her little finger until she and her mother start sleeping with the same man after her parent’s divorce at which time all bets are off and the cat fighting begins.
Is J.T. The Luckiest Booze-Hound P.I.?
It’s an outrage that J.T. slithered of the hook for re-arranging Kevin’s brain matter. Now he’s made Kevin angry and J.T. won’t like it when he’s angry. Genoa City is a cutthroat town as long as mash-mouth Bardwell has the keys to City Hall. But I guess that’s the way life goes, eh? You win some, you lose some, except if you’re Kevin Fisher, then you never win. I know I’m beating a dead horse here but I can’t reiterate enough how satisfying it would be if Kevin were to ban J.T. from Crimson Lights. Not that it would do much good these days since J.T. seems to have taken up permanent residence on a stool at the Athletic Club bar where he can keep a watchful eye on Colleen and Professor Cowbell. The professor should have known better than to pay his tab. Drunks despise acts of good will. Everyone knows that.
